Keep Me Warm
by Harryfan626
Summary: "There's one more thing," Derek said, "I'm married." Standing outside Derek's trailer for the first time, Meredith's world crumbled when he told her about himself. Their relationship should have ended with those two words but ending a relationship is difficult, especially when you're still in love. UPDATED EVERY WEDNESDAY
1. Chapter 1: Little White Lies

**Disclaimer: Any recognizable characters, dialogue, or plotlines or not my property. They belong the Shonda Rhimes and the Grey's Anatomy team at ABC. This is not for profit, just something fun for me to write.**

 **A/N: Welcome to my newest fic. As I am posting this, I have 10 complete chapters. The goal of this story is to cover the major plot points of Grey's Anatomy season 2 and beyond from a different perspective. This story is a what-if starting from when Derek first brought Meredith to the trailer. It is the story of what could have happened if he told Meredith about Addison that night. There are many more chapters to come, so be prepared. I plan to update every Wednesday, so stay tuned for more! Chapter title from the song by Deaf Havana. Story title from song by Ida Maria.**

 _But I don't wanna play any theater for you,_

 _I don't wanna stage a single piece for you_

 _Oh, you, you keep me warm_

Keep Me Warm - Ida Maria

Recently he had been smiling so much it almost hurt. Derek Shepherd could not remember the last time he had been this happy. Maybe at Christmas when he was sitting surrounded by his family with fourteen nieces and nephews running around, but certainly no time recently. That was until he moved to Seattle and met her. She was like the sun after the rain, the warmth of a fireplace on a cold snowy day. She was saving him. Every second he spent with Meredith Grey he felt like a better man, a better person. For the first time in years he was feeling like himself and it was all because of some girl he met in a bar. But she had not been some girl in a bar for weeks, she became the reason he was smiling more than he had in years.

That was why he was so scared to show her where he was living. She deserved better than an attending who is a not yet divorced and very broken man who was twelve years older than her and lived in a trailer in the middle of the woods. Despite feeling inadequate for Meredith, Derek could not stop seeing her and kissing her and loving her. She was like a drug; she was like the high he felt after a great surgery only better. He was terrified that when she saw the trailer she would realize the mistake she was making being with him, her boss. But she wanted to see where he lived. She was asking questions and what scared Derek more than losing Meredith over showing her himself was losing her because he was too scared to show her himself. Which was why Derek drove her on to the ferry boat, not telling her where she was going. As she complained about her disdain for surprises he just smiled and told her how much he loved ferry boats. And it was why he drove her to his empty land and walked with her towards the trailer, not telling her a thing.

But she was getting impatient and Meredith asked him, "Where are we?"

"I'm gonna tell you," he said as he smiled and shushed her. He was trying to appear calm but inside he was panicking, terrified she would want to leave once he answered her questions. Rubbing his hands together Derek turned to Meredith, making sure the trailer was behind them so she would not see it yet. Still walking Derek began what he had rehearsed, a speech describing his life.

"All right," he plastered the smile on his face as Meredith spun around to watch him speak, "My mother's maiden name, Maloney," Derek could not believe he was actually doing this, "I have four sisters. I have, uh, nine nieces. Five nephews." She was smiling at him, a delicate surprised smile. Derek could not help but stare into her eyes and think for a second that maybe he was falling in love again, "I like coffee ice cream, single-malt scotch, occasionally a good cigar," Despite his fears Derek kept talking, he had momentum and he had to answer as many of Meredith's questions as possible, he had to prove he was dedicated. A small voice in his head asked how dedicated he could be though, as he was still legally married to Addison. Ignoring the voice Derek told Meredith about his interest in fly fishing and he continued on saying, "And I cheat when I do the crossword puzzle on Sunday. And I never dance in public," That smile he had been thinking about earlier, the one that seemed to be permanently on his face since meeting Meredith was back. He was no longer faking his smile to seem confident, he was relieved to be telling Meredith about himself, enjoying it actually.

Derek paused and took in a breath, thinking of more to say. He could not stop yet, he did not think he had told Meredith enough, not compared to what she had told him about herself, "Um, favorite novel, The Sun Also Rises. Favorite band, The Clash," thinking about other things people tell each other Derek said "My favorite color is blue. I don't like light blue, indigo."

It dawned on him that he could tell her about his scar. He reached up to his forehead to make sure she saw it, pushing a dark curl out of the way. "The scar right here on my forehead, that's why I don't ride motorcycles anymore," he gestured with his hand to emphasis how bad an idea him driving a motorcycle was.

He took in a deep breath. Sure he left out the most important fact about him as he entered a relationship, the fact that he was still married, but Derek thought he had said enough. It was time for the big reveal of where he lived and why they were where they were. Pointing behind him Derek finally directed Meredith's attention towards his home, "And I live in that trailer." He smiled, not a grin showing his teeth but a nervous smile hoping she accepts him. When Meredith looks back at him, a questioning look in her eye Derek panicked a little, thinking she was judging the trailer and he felt the need to justify it telling her, "All this land is mine. I have no idea what I'm gonna do with it."

"So that's it," he said as he turned his gaze back to Meredith, "That's all you've earned for now. The rest you're just...just gonna have to take on faith." Inside Derek cringed because if she puts her faith in him she still will not know his biggest secret. Hiding his discomfort at the thought of Addison, Derek and Meredith held eye contact for a moment before she started walking towards the trailer. He adjusted his stance, nervous she was not okay with everything that just happened. Derek's eyes darted between the trailer and Meredith as she slowly walked towards it. But then she pivoted on her feet and turned back to him, grinning. She reached her hand out to him and Derek realized just how far he had fallen for Meredith. He was no longer in the process of falling, he was down, totally irrevocably in love with Meredith Grey.

Derek smiled and began walking towards her outstretched hand when he stopped. If he was really in love with her, he had to tell her.

"There's one more thing," Derek said. She was staring at him and his stomach churned because he knew he was about to knock the ground out below her, "I'm married."

Instantly Meredith dropped her hand and her eyes darkened, filled with pain, "What?"

"Well, separated. But legally I am still married." Meredith started backing away, heading back towards the car as tears threatened to start rolling down her cheeks. "Meredith, let me explain," Derek pleaded. As he spoke she kept walking. Her mind was whirling with emotions. Mostly, Meredith felt pure rage.

"What's there to explain?" Meredith scoffed, "I'm a dirty mistress, the slutty intern sleeping with the married attending and you're just some guy in a bar, right?" she barked a mirthless laugh, "It was supposed to be a one-night stand, just some whore you met in a bar, but then we worked together and you thought you could just keep getting some, without your wife knowing. And hey what's the harm? The only person who this could hurt is just little dark and twisty intern Meredith Grey and if you destroy her career no biggie because you have a wife to run back home to. Is that what you wanted to explain?" She was angry. Tears were welling in her eyes and her voice cracked, her hands were shaking and he had never seen her look so volatile.

"It's not like that," Derek said, "She cheated on me. With my best friend."

"So what am I to you? The girl you screwed to get over being screwed?"

Derek looked at her, praying that he could convey everything he was feeling not only in his words but through his eyes, hoping she could understand, "You are like coming up for fresh air. It's like I was drowning and you saved me. That's all I know."

She started backing up again, shaking her head, "I don't think that's enough."


	2. Chapter 2: The Scientist

**Disclaimer: Any recognizable characters, dialogue, or plotlines or not my property. They belong the Shonda Rhimes and the Grey's Anatomy team at ABC. This is not for profit, just something fun for me to write.**

* * *

 _Nobody said it was easy  
_ _It's such a shame for us to part  
_ _Nobody said it was easy  
_ _No one ever said it would be this hard  
_ The Scientist - Coldplay

* * *

Meredith sat alone on the hood of Derek's car as tears silently rolled down her cheeks. She had let him get too close to her. It was a mistake she had promised never to make, not after how broken her mother was when she was told to be extraordinary. The other shoe had dropped, finding out your boyfriend is married is basically the nuclear bomb of shoes dropping in Meredith's mind. But because she had let him get too close she had driven out to the island and his trailer in his car so she was stuck in the middle of nowhere waiting for a taxi to take her to the ferry. It would take at least another forty-five minutes for the taxi to arrive, being on such a small island they weren't necessarily in high demand. Meredith steeled herself for the wait, alone in the cold, so when she heard Derek's voice behind her she was so surprised she slipped off the hood of the car.

He scratched behind his ear nervously and looked down, "I figured you needed a ride home."

"The taxi I'm waiting for will do just fine." Meredith said as she regained her balance now standing up. She frantically wiped at her cheeks hoping that Derek would not notice the tears.

Derek shrugged, still looking down as he avoided making eye contact with Meredith, "How long's the wait? An hour? Come on, let me at least drive you to the ferry." He looked up slowly, looking deep into Meredith's eyes, "I'm sorry. I know I should have told you sooner-"

Meredith cut him off, "Yeah, you should have told me sooner. Maybe that night in the bar so I could have made the decision whether or not I wanted to be a dirty mistress."

"You're not a dirty mistress." Derek said.

"Oh yeah? So what am I then?"

"You," he sighed, "You're Meredith." The sincerity in his voice caused Meredith to look up at him. Their eyes met and he tried to express his sorrow. Derek was begging her to understand why he had not told her through a single glance. His pleading was futile as she broke their gaze, turning her back to him and walking a few short steps to the tree line.

She sighed and wrapped her arms around herself, in part protecting her heart from the shattering it felt and in part to shield herself from the cold wind that blew over the tree branches, "Just go away, Derek." A shuddering breath escaped her lips as another tear fell, "Please, just go away."

Derek closed his eyes. He ruined everything in an instant. That night was supposed to be a good night, a great night even, the first night in their relationship where it was just going to be the two of them. He slipped his hand into his pocket and pulled out the keys to his car, a ferry boat keychain that he found during a break he spent in the Seattle Grace gift shop with Meredith dangled from the keyring. Derek placed the keys on the hood of his car and looked down at his shoes. Raising his hands in defeat, Derek conceded to Meredith's request and slowly backed away from her and said, "I left the keys on the hood. Please, at least stay warm as you wait." She refused to turn to look at him but Derek could have sworn he heard the distinct sound of a sniffle. Turning on his heels, he slipped his hands in his pockets and forlornly walked towards his trailer, alone. He had ruined everything.

* * *

Meredith wanted to melt into her bed and disappear. She never wanted to leave her bed again, she never wanted to see another person again, and she definitely did not want to see Derek again. However, her wish to vanish had not come true during her sleepless night and she buried her face in her pillow groaning at the sound of her cell phone ringing. Meredith propped her head up in her hand and looked at the caller ID, expecting to see Derek's name for the sixth time since she left last night. Instead, she saw the number that she refused to put into her contact list should anyone answer her phone for her, the nursing home was calling. Pushing away the sheets that still smell heavily of Derek in a way which made Meredith's heart constrict, she answered the phone.

Mentally, Meredith sent a silent thank you to any being that might exist for the phone call not being an emergency. She quickly hung up and shoved her head back into her pillow as she chucked her phone across the room. A loud crack let Meredith know it hit the door and she pulled her blankets over her head, just wanting the day to be over before it even began. Meredith's door swung open seconds later and she groaned. Without picking up her head she knew one of her roommates was about to ask what she was doing home.

Izzie's chirpy voice broke through Meredith's stupor as she asked, "Mer, what are you doing here? I thought you spent the night at Derek's." She giggled a little as she shuffled into Meredith's room and plopped on her bed, "Was the sex too hot last night? Couldn't handle it and had to come home?" As Izzie spoke there was the distinct sound of the bathroom door opening and closing followed by the slam of George's bedroom door. Meredith groaned into her pillow, not wanting to respond to Izzie.

"Mer?" Izzie asked, worried by Meredith's lack of a response. On a normal day if Izzie asked about her sex life she would be hit with a pillow or a snarky response, "Is everything okay?" An incomprehensible answer was mumbled by Meredith straight into her pillow. "What did you say?"

Meredith lifted her head up, angrily, looked Izzie in the eyes and declared at full volume, "He's married!" She then dropped her head back onto her pillow and closed her eyes.

For a moment after Meredith said that there was deadly silence in the house which was quickly followed by the sounds of things crashing in George's room and him and Izzie both yelling, "What?"

* * *

It was the first night in over a week Derek slept alone in bed. It was the first night in over a week Derek slept in his trailer. He did not like either of these facts. But neither were totally true because he had not slept at all, he had been too busy staring at the ceiling hating everything about himself and Addison. In his entire life, Derek could not think of a single moment where he fucked up more than in that very moment the night before. He could say marrying Addison was a mistake to that level but if he had not done that then he never would have met Meredith. Now that probably did not matter because as he had already thought, he had fucked everything up. Derek believed he ruined everything and so he did not sleep a wink.

He would have been content to spend the next eternity laying in bed hating himself if it meant he could one day have Meredith understand. He also would have been content staying in bed and never facing the world again because Derek felt like such a massive disaster. His goal to stay in bed for the rest of his days were tarnished when from across the trailer he heard his cell phone ring.

Derek bolted from bed. Over the course of his sleepless night he had called Meredith five times and left five different voicemails all with different amounts of begging for her to talk to him. His heart swelled, thinking she was calling him.

Without checking the caller ID Derek flipped open his phone, "Hello? Meredith?" He asked hopefully.

"So that's her name!" A voice that was decidedly not Meredith's responded, "I heard you were sleeping with someone but I had assumed one of us would stick to our wedding vows."

His voice seeping with bitterness Derek said, "Addison." He groaned angrily and sat down on the couch, one hand holding the phone the other massaging the bridge of his nose in preparation of the headache that was forming, "What are you doing calling me?"

"Well you would know that if you had responded to any one of my previous calls." She replied.

Derek could not do it. He was running on no sleep, waiting for a call that was never going to come, and dreading going to work in a few hours. In that moment all he wanted to do was crawl back into his bed and disappear, "Goodbye." He slammed his phone shut and threw it against the door of the trailer, pleased to see the battery fly out.

* * *

 **A/N: Hi everyone! Hope you enjoyed this chapter. If you have time, I'd really appreciate if you review! There's a massive snowstorm heading my way, so I'm hoping to be getting some more chapters finished. There may be a midweek update, if I have the time.**


	3. Chapter 3: Always Starting Over

**A/N: Hope you're all staying warm with all the snow (if you're on the east coast like me)!**

 **Disclaimer: Any recognizable characters, dialogue, or plotlines or not my property. They belong the Shonda Rhimes and the Grey's Anatomy team at ABC. This is not for profit, just something fun for me to write.**

* * *

 _If we're always  
_ _Starting over  
_ _Every brand-new morning  
_ _Then we're always  
_ _Starting out  
_ _With the end in doubt  
_ Always Starting Over - Brian Yorkey, If/Then

* * *

Before leaving the house Meredith made Izzie and George swear on threat of eviction that they would not tell anybody at the hospital that Derek was married. She did not need the notorious gossip chain of Seattle Grace Hospital to spread the undeniably true fact that Meredith Grey was an adulterous whore. When she sat down for lunch with her fellow interns she felt Izzie and George's eyes boring into her with concern. Instead of discussing her problems Meredith decided to focus on the other major gossip news spreading through the hospital like wildfire, the fact that her roommate had syphilis. The conversation turned to secrets and feeling uncomfortable Meredith nearly cried out in joy when her pager went off. Despite the fact that the page was another one of Derek's begging her to talk to him, which she had received many of that day, she bolted making a stammered excuse about a patient needing paperwork and problems with a catheter. She was so relieved to be leaving the tense conversation as she was being weighed down with the fact that Derek was married that she could not think of a proper excuse. The last thing Meredith wanted to blurt out was what she was thinking throughout the conversation, the fact that everybody has something to hide.

"What's up with her?" Cristina asked casually as Meredith hurried away, leaving her tray of food behind. Alex shrugged and he grabbed half of Meredith's sandwich, taking a large bite of it. George and Izzie just stared at each other, worried.

Meredith sat alone in an on-call room. She locked the door behind her and curled up with her knees to her chest not on a bed but in a far corner of the room where she was hidden from view. When she was little she would find spots like that to hide when the babysitter of the week would come to pick her up to take her home when her mother picked a surgery over her. Despite everything Meredith still wanted to be with Derek and she hated herself for it. She did not understand how she let herself fall so hard and fast for him. She did not understand why she still cared for him. She did not understand why, despite the fact that he was married, she wished he was sitting there with his arms around her.

* * *

Meredith smiled for the first time since Derek told her she was married when she was burst into George's exam room in an attempt to hide from her ex-whatever. She did not know that it was where George was hiding to get his penicillin shot but she was glad when he yelled at her to go away, it felt normal. It was the first feeling of normalcy since her world crumbled down the night before. Just to have some fun, Meredith kicked Alex out of the exam room. She was having an awful day but it was nice to know so was her friend. Meredith smirked as she thought of the phrase misery loves friends, or whatever it was. She was not sure. All that mattered was seeing somebody else upset made her feel a little less awful, even though he was her friend.

Discreetly, Meredith paged Izzie and Cristina. If she was going to smile for a few minutes she wanted it to be a full-fledged grin.

Ripping open the curtains Izzie flashed a brilliant smile at George, "What are we doing here?" She joked.

"Breaking George's spirit." George complained.

Meredith rebutted, "Curing George's syph."

Swallowing hard, George confessed, "I don't like needles."

"Good thing you became a doctor," Meredith said, "Other side." As Meredith worked, Cristina came in and the three of them commented on George's butt. She knew she should feel a little guilty for laughing about her friend's butt with two other girls but Meredith needed this. When George stormed out, ranting about being naked in a room with three women, Meredith, Cristina, and Izzie, laughed. For a split second Meredith forgot about Derek and she just felt happy. But only for a split second.

* * *

Derek might be an ass but he was not stupid. In all his pages to Meredith none of them were 911 so when she received just that she hoped the page was work related and not a desperate plea for her attention. As Meredith opened the door to the scans room where she was paged, she walked directly into Chief Webber. After an awkward moment in the doorway, he left and Meredith was alone with the room with Derek. It was the first time she saw him since last night and he looked ragged. There were bags under his eyes, his stubble was thicker than usual, and his usually perfect hair looked ratty as if he had not cared that morning.

"You paged?" Meredith asked in a steely voice.

"Mer…" Derek began. He analyzed her immediately. Her eyes were less red and puffy than they were when he saw her last night meaning it had been some time since she had cried. But the bags under her eyes looked as dark as his indicating that she had not slept either. She looked pale and her hair was pulled back in a messy bun. Meredith looked just as worse for wear as Derek did. But he deserved to be sleepless and a mess, she just deserved better.

"Dr. Grey." Meredith interrupted, "If you were dumb enough to page me 911 for a personal matter I will file so many harassment complaints that you'll spend the rest of your life in HR. You'll forget what the sun looks like all you'll know is HR, paper cuts, and harassment complaints!"

Derek started over, "Dr. Grey," He felt sick to his stomach speaking to Meredith so formally when it was just the two of them in the room, "I need you to help me out on something for the chief. Can you keep a secret?"

Meredith's eyes looked stormy and Derek realized that he misspoke. She was Dr. Grey to him at that moment because he was keeping secrets. Not once had she held something from him and Derek felt guilty immediately. All Meredith responded with was, "Better than you think." Derek smiled slightly but she did not reciprocate. Feeling loss at the lack of Meredith's natural glow, Derek began explaining the procedure.

* * *

Leaping up the stairs Derek grinned at the sight of Meredith. Despite how gaunt and sleepless she looked she was just as radiant as the first time he saw her at the bar. For what felt like the millionth time that day guilt ate at Derek. He was the reason she was exhausted. He might be a brain surgeon but Derek felt pretty brainless. Meredith was standing at the top of the stairs talking with Dr. Bailey. She was leaning against the railing and her bangs fell in her face in a perfect way that made Derek want to brush them away and press a kiss to where they covered.

Attempting to flirt, Derek asked, "How goes our special super-secret silent sunset surgery?" Bailey points at him confused and stutters a little but Derek's eyes were only on Meredith. His grin quickly became fake as he saw the lack of a smile on her face, "I've been practicing that."

Unamused, Bailey told him, "You have too much time on your hands." She then told Meredith that she's in on the surgery before walking away. Meredith and Derek were left alone.

Meredith itched to ask Derek how he was doing. She wanted to know if he was nervous, which she knew he must be, but she could not. If she spoke to Derek on a personal level she knew she would throw all caution to the wind and keep dating him and she couldn't allow herself to do that. She stared at him for a second before saying, "I'll see you in surgery." Despite the screaming in her head telling her to look back at Derek as she walked away, Meredith kept her head forward. If she had turned around she would have seen a broken man. But as Meredith walked away she stopped. There is a syphilis epidemic jumping from hospital staff member to the next. Turning around Meredith hurried back over to Derek.

"You'd tell me if I have to get tested, right?"

Derek's head shot up, "You think I have syphilis?"

Meredith shook her head, "No, I don't. It's just...we never made any rules or anything. I mean, we never said, "We have rules," and I wouldn't hold it against you. Especially seeing as you're married and I mean how much can I really trust you, right? So I mean who's to say you can't have syphilis and who's to say your wife doesn't have syphilis or that you haven't been sleeping Olivia or other syphnurses. How do I know I'm the only dirty mistress, really? I have no way of knowing I mean can I really trust you? So yeah maybe I do think you have syphilis because it's not like the past twenty-four hours have given me any reason to think otherwise."

"Mer, you're the only person since I've gotten here." Derek sighed, heartbroken that she even had to ask this, "When would I have time to go out and get syphilis? You're the only one I'd want to be with. And besides, we're like, practically a condom ad."

"Were."

"What?"

"Were," Meredith repeated, "We were practically a condom ad. Not anymore. No more condoms because no more sex because I don't do this whole sleep with married guys thing." Nodding her head to confirm she said everything she needed to say, Meredith turned around and walked away, this time not turning back. But she still wanted to turn back, oh did she want to. Meredith might not sleep with married guys but there is one married guy she wanted to sleep with. But she was hurt and she was angry and she refused to be a homewrecker. Not even for Derek Shepherd. Especially not for Derek Shepherd.

As Meredith left Derek's phone rang. He looked down at the caller ID. It was Addison again. He didn't even bother to answer.

* * *

Her mother had been asking for her. Meredith could not understand it. Ellis never wanted to be near her, she resented her. Hated her even. Yet Ellis had been asking for her all day. Slowly Meredith hung up the phone. She cradled it in her hand and looked at it as if it might disappear. Her mother had been asking for her and she did not come. Meredith felt guilty because in the home where she was, Ellis Grey was just like the lonely child Meredith once was. She had treated her mother the way her mother always treated her and she felt awful. Hearing footsteps, Meredith looked up. Derek was standing a few feet away from her, charting. He was attempting to look nonchalant but Meredith knew he was just faking his calm. Feeling her eyes on him, Derek looked up.

Their eyes met and all Meredith wanted to do was have him hold her and cry but instead she just said, "Hey."

"Hey," Derek said the word as if it was a prayer, astounded that Meredith was talking to him on her own terms.

A heavy silence hung between them. Neither one wanted to break eye contact. Finally, still gripping the phone, Meredith confessed, "It's my mother. She isn't traveling. She isn't writing a book. She isn't anything. I've been lying to everyone." This secret has been weighing Meredith down and the fact that she was finally setting it free felt incredible. It felt even better to be talking to Derek. There was nobody she wanted to talk to more than Derek. Despite the mess that her life had become so quickly, she still needed to talk to Derek.

Derek flipped his chart shut and straightened up, concerned, he asked, "Why?" There was so much more meaning in his why than just why Meredith had been lying. He wanted to know why she was talking to him, why she was telling him this, why after an entire day of avoiding him she was confessing a secret to him, and why she was doing all of this even after he told her he was married.

"She has Alzheimer's."

The neurosurgeon in Derek knew that there was no hope with this diagnosis but the man in love with Meredith wanted there to be hope, "How advanced?"

Meredith answered immediately, she speaks as if, should she pause, the words would be trapped in her forever, "Very. She's in a home and I'm the only one who even knows she's sick. I just don't know what to do anymore, you know?"

Derek shook his head sadly but a small smile formed on his lips. She chose to tell him and it gave him hope. Maybe there still was a chance for him and Meredith. Despite the fact that he was married and despite the fact that she hated him. For the first time since his confession the night before, Derek touched Meredith. He pushed her bangs out of her face like he wanted to do all day. He caressed her tear stained cheek with his thumb. For a second he wondered if the tears are over him or her mother. He did not want to know because he was almost certain it was both. She looked down and Derek pressed a deep kiss to her forehead, trying to convey all the love and regret he felt in that single moment of contact. All too quickly she was backing away from him but this time, after she turned her back on him, she looked back at him like she wanted to stay.

* * *

Exhausted. That was the only word to describe Meredith in that very moment. If someone were to open the dictionary to the word exhausted she was sure they would find a picture of her. She was walking to the exit of the hospital when she spotted Derek sitting in the waiting room chairs, his laptop opened and a book in his hand. Meredith walked towards him. It has been a hell of a day for her. She found out her boyfriend or whatever was married. She kept a massive secret from her best friends. She performed surgery on the Chief of Surgery. The Chief of Surgery found out she was in a kind of relationship with an attending. Yet despite the hell, Meredith walked towards him.

"Long day." She said, trying to be casual.

Derek's head shot up, surprised and thrilled that she was talking to him. He doubted this morning she would ever speak to him again and yet all he can say at that moment was, "Yeah."

"I think we have some talking we need to do." She maintained eye contact with him as she spoke, Derek hoped that was a good sign, "I think you should explain. Maybe I should explain the feelings and stuff that I'm feeling or whatever. And maybe we need rules or something or maybe we can be friends I don't know but maybe we can talk over wine or something. And just talking no kissing or anything because you're married and now that I know that I'm not doing kissing or more than kissing. Nothing like that. Just talking. Because, I honestly don't know I just, we should talk. I didn't let you talk and I need to let you talk. I need to know. I want to know if…" She wanted to know if they can work, if he was going to get a divorce, if she was okay with dating him despite the fact that he lied about being married but she knew she would only be okay if he got the divorce. There was so much she wanted to know. Mostly, she just wanted to be close to him. She needed his comfort, even if it could not be physical.

He smiled a little. He wanted to know what follows that if. He had a lot of ifs, too. He wanted to know if she was willing to give them a shot, if she was willing to trust him, if she was capable of loving the mess that he was, "Maybe we do need wine. I have some, at the trailer, we can head out there."

Meredith smiled a little at that, "This is why I keep you around. But, talk first wine later."

Reflecting on when they first met, Derek chuckled, "You trying to, uh, get me drunk so you can take advantage of me?"

She started putting on her coat as she said, "I'm just trying to talk." But the smile remained on her lips and with it so did Derek's hope. Packing up his bags, Derek stood up. After he put his coat on he fixed Meredith's collar, he pulled her hair out from underneath the collar and adjusted it. Derek was surprised but pleased that she let him. He was wondering if there was hope. He believed there might be. Despite the fact that the night before he told Meredith that he was married they were standing there staring at each other like a couple madly in love. But maybe that was why they are together at that moment despite his confession because, he thought, they just might be madly in love. All he needed to do was to get Addison to sign those divorce papers.

Grabbing his bag, Derek turned to the exit when he saw her. Addison was there. His smile fell from his face. They were about to talk. They were about to figure it out. He was about to sign the divorce papers in front of Meredith and have her help him send them to New York. That was his plan for their talk. But instead Addison was there. Addison was there and staring right at him. There was no escape.

Desperately, Derek turned to the beautiful blonde intern who he was possible madly in love with, "Meredith, I am so sorry." The smile that had been on her lips disappeared and her eyes scanned his face for an explanation. Derek turned to face Addison and Meredith's gaze followed. All too soon Addison was standing in front of them. He thought for a second about how she was the antithesis of Meredith with her perfectly curled red hair and her heavy designer trench coat. Addison smirked as she put a hand on her hip. She looked mad and Derek felt sick. As if Addison had a right to be mad. She was the one who cheated on him with his best friend, all he did was leave. A voice in the back of his head said that he technically cheated too by being with Meredith but he did his best to ignore it. Disdain in his voice Derek spit out her name, "Addison," There was a long pause between her name and his question, Meredith turned to look at him but he kept glaring at his wife, "What are you doing here?"

"Well, you'd know if you'd bothered to return any one of my phone calls. Or if you hadn't hung up on me earlier today." She bit back. Derek's heart froze over when Addison directed her attention to Meredith. He felt like screaming and his world was crashing down around him all over again. In the course of less than twenty-four hours he will have lost Meredith twice because there was no way she would be staying around after this, "Hi," Addison stuck out her hand toward Meredith and Derek felt sick, stunned, Meredith shook her hand, "I'm Addison Shepherd."

As if in a daze, Meredith repeated the last name, "Shepherd?"

"And you must be the woman who's been screwing my husband," Addison said confidently as she pointed a finger at her, "Meredith, right?"

Meredith looked back and forth between Derek and Addison. He knew that despite the fact that Meredith already knew he was married, despite the fact that she found out last night, he just lost her. Addison walking in and accusing her of being a mistress was going to be too much and Derek understood. Derek also wanted to kill Addison but instead of glaring at her he looked down at Meredith. Murder can wait, he thought, his talk with Meredith could not.


	4. Chapter 4: Pompeii

**Disclaimer: Any recognizable characters, dialogue, or plot lines or not my property. They belong the Shonda Rhimes and the Grey's Anatomy team at ABC. This is not for profit, just something fun for me to write.**

* * *

 _But if you close your eyes  
_ _Does it almost feel like  
_ _Nothing's changed at all?  
_ _And if you close your eyes  
_ _Does it almost feel like  
_ _You've been here before?  
_ _How am I gonna be an optimist about this?  
_ Pompeii - Bastille

* * *

The second Meredith processed the scenario she was moving away from Derek. His estranged wife was standing in the middle of Seattle Grace and Meredith felt like she had to get out. Meredith walked straight out of the hospital. She did not turn around to Derek calling after her and he did not follow her past the door. She walked straight into the Emerald City Bar, sat in the exact spot she sat in when she met Derek and ordered shot after shot of tequila. While talking to the bartender Meredith, for the first time in her life, got a free shot out of pity not a free shot for being hot. It did not really matter to her why it was free though, a shot was a shot and she needed the alcohol.

Across the street Derek was glaring at Addison. His hair was undone from his running his hands through it after Meredith walked away from him. Addison was trying to be casual with him and he was using all of his will power to stop himself from doing something he would regret.

He repeated his question from before Meredith left but his only response was, "Your hair is different."

Gritting his teeth, Derek replied, "A lot of things are different."

"It's longer, I like it." Addison reached to adjust a curl but Derek pushed her hand away, a little more aggressively than he would usually use when touching a woman but he was seething, he stepped back from her but she kept talking, "It's very Russell Crowe."

"What are you doing here?" Derek repeated. Each time he asked the question he felt angrier and angrier.

Addison taunted him, "What are you doing here?" But then she became serious, "You just pick up and leave everything? Your house, your practice, your friends? You had a life in Manhattan."

She was saying these things to him as if it had not been two months since he left. Derek wondered if she cared so much why it took her so long to come out to Seattle. He wondered why she was putting on this act as if she was the victim in their relationship. He wondered if he could get an aspirin for the massive headache that was forming. "Had," Derek bit back.

Staring straight into his eyes Addison replied, "And now you have a girlfriend in Seattle," The sick feeling he seemed to have had since telling Meredith about his wife rose to his throat like bile, hearing Addison talk about her, "She seems sweet."

Derek had enough, "The ice you're on," He started to walk away, hoping he can track down Meredith, "Thin."

They are not looking at each other yet Addison kept talking about her. God, Derek thought Meredith deserves so much better than to have Addison of all people disparaging her, "She's young," As she spoke they both turn to face each other, any amusement Derek might have had was long gone and all he felt was loathing, "That whole wide-eyed, ooh he's-a-brain-surgeon thing happening, but still sweet. Which was what you were going for, right? The anti-Addison?" Meredith really was the anti-Addison. Not just in the ways Addison thought though. Where Addison was designer and caviar Meredith was sweatpants and pizza. Where Addison was the cheater Meredith was the cheated upon. He did technically cheat on Meredith by being married. Derek felt despicable.

All Derek wanted was for Addison to leave and for Meredith to forgive him, even if he needed to apologize one thousand times, "If you came out here to try and win me back, forget about it."

As Addison spoke it dawned on Derek that he did not even consider she came across the country for work. But if she was really there for work why was she doing the wicked witch of the west charade, Derek wondered. And if she was here for work Derek needed to speak with Richard Webber, brain tumor removed or not, because how dare his trusted mentor cordially invite his cheating wife to work with him. Addison scoffed at the word relax sent disgusted shivers up his spine. There had been so many times before he found her in bed with Mark that she asked him to relax in a similar tone and he turned her down. That might have led her to do it, Derek realizes, but it was still no excuse. There was no excuse for what she did and no forgiveness he wanted to grant. Not at that moment, anyway. Derek thought about Richard again. He just saved the man's life and career and his payment in return was his cheating wife being hand delivered to his door. He thought about that aspirin again, every passing second he needed it more.

She left, smirking after whispering in his ear. He watched her go, wishing to be anywhere other than where he stood. It seemed to him he was ending the day the same way he began it, wishing he could disappear.

* * *

Meredith knew she was drunk. This was the drunkest she has been in a very long time. She lost count of the amount of shots she had but if she had to estimate whatever the number was probably gave her record amount from her trip in Europe a run for its money. She was so drunk that she was going to tell Cristina. That morning she did not want to tell anyone but then George and Izzie knew and now the McWife was there anyway so she might as well shout it to the world. Meredith's thoughts were fuzzy but she felt like going up to the helipad and screaming about being a dirty mistress might be cathartic.

As her fellow interns sat down next to her, Meredith announced, "Let's play a game of whose life sucks the most. I'll win. I always win."

Cristina replied, "No, you don't want to play with me." Meredith was up to the challenge. There was no way anything Cristina had could beat what she had. Her boyfriend or whatever, a supposedly McDreamy neuro-god was married to a leggy redhead model goddess person. Meredith thought those might not be the best order for adjectives but when she was that drunk she did not care, even when she was sober her rambling did not matter too much, just as long as the words came out.

"Oh, I do. I'll even go first.," Meredith stated, "Derek's married."

George shrugged as he already knew this. Cristina's head shot up to look at her.

"And she's here." George spit out his beer at this and also turned to look at Meredith. As George walked away to get cleaned up Meredith shrugged, convinced she had won. When Cristina told her otherwise Meredith pointed out that Derek was pigheaded, adulterous, liar married. But then Cristina told her she was pregnant. Then Joe collapsed. Meredith had not been this drunk in a long time and she thought that she needed another shot.

* * *

Joe needed an operation and Meredith's heart went out to him. She had only met him twice but everyone else in the hospital loved him. Plus, he gave her a free shot earlier that night so she was feeling decently affectionate to most people. Most people not including Derek and his no longer secret wife who just showed up.

She paused. What if Derek knew Addison was coming to Seattle? Maybe that was why he told her last night, trying to seem like a victim so that he can get the wife and the mistress. If she looked at him she may vomit, she thought. She was not sure if that was because of her rage or the alcohol. It very well could be both. Meredith went from almost forgiving, well almost almost forgiving Derek, to picturing the satisfaction she would get from vomiting her stomach full of tequila on his perfect hair.

When Derek went to hand her Joe's chart, trying to buy her forgiveness with a standstill operation, she looked him in the eye said, "I'm drunk," and walked away. She ignored him as he pleaded her name. As Derek tried to leave Izzie stepped in his way, whispering McBastard under her breath. George managed to step in his way three times. By breaking Meredith's heart Derek had become Public Enemy Number One in the eyes of Bailey's surgical interns.

She was halfway out the doors of the hospital when he caught up with her. Meredith yelled at him to go away. All she wanted to do was cry and drink, she did not want to talk to him ever again. She was disgusted with herself by the fact that she wanted to talk with him earlier that night. How could she even suggest that knowing that he was married. It was because she had fallen in love with him, she thought to herself, which made everything all the worse. Meredith Grey never fell in love and she somehow managed to break that rule and do so with a married man. She just wanted it all to end.

"Just wait," Derek begged, "We should discuss this. We were going to discuss this before,"

Meredith cut him off as she spun on her heels to face him, "Here's a thought," She screamed the end of her statement, "No! Quit following me!"

"At least let me explain."

"Explain?" She asked "Discuss? I already said we should have done this that night at the bar, before any of this happened. That would have been the time to discuss it. And to think that I am stupid enough to ask to talk about this with you earlier. Am I delusional? You are married. Married. End of story. Goodnight, Derek." As she yelled as she walked out of the hospital and into the rain. He was still following her and she wanted to castrate him.

"Look, I know how you feel." Derek said.

That was the final straw. Meredith was so angry she did not even scream until the end when all of her emotions explode, "Do you? Somehow I doubt that. Because if you did you would shut up, and you would turn around and go back inside, because you would realize that I am this close to getting in my car and running you down in the parking lot!" She marched straight into the downpour not caring. The only reason she was not drenched in seconds was because George chased after her with an umbrella. He was a good friend. Maybe if she hit Derek with her car he would help her hide the body, she thought.

Derek watched them walk away. For what felt like the millionth time since he confessed his marriage Derek thought about how he managed to destroy everything.

* * *

Addison requested Meredith as her intern. Meredith wanted to set herself on fire. Not only did Addison request her as an intern, she had to be talking to Derek when she walked up. Meredith really wanted to set herself on fire. The way Addison was smiling at her made Meredith sick. That was the smile of a woman who was going to make her life miserable, she just knew it. Never in her life had the saying hell hath no fury than a woman scorched or scorned or whatever it was applied more. Judging by the angry look Derek was shooting at Addison, Meredith assumed his thoughts were exactly the same. Not that his opinions mattered to her, or that they should matter to her, because he was married and she was an idiot who almost went on a date with a married the night before.

Out of the corner of her eye Meredith saw Derek clench his jaw as he turned away. She desperately wanted to watch him go, whether she wanted to so she could to just look at him or if it was so she could guarantee was gone, Meredith was not sure. However, she did not watch him. She was too focused on maintaining eye contact with Addison. Meredith's instinct told her that looking away would show not only weakness but also guilt. She could not do that. But with Derek and Burke gone, Meredith was left with just Addison. The mistress and the wife. Meredith really wanted to set herself on fire.

Smirk still plastered on her face Addison ordered Meredith to follow her. For a second Meredith was terrified that Addison would lead her to an abandoned corner of the hospital and skewer her with a rusty scalpel but instead she was led into a patient's room. The dark haired woman in the bed looked tired but listened closely to Addison. Meredith did not pay much attention to what the patient, Julie, looked like, as she was watching Addison read the chart. Through everything that had happened over the past few days what has left Meredith most confused was why Derek would sleep with her. She felt like she was nothing compared to Addison. But out of the seemingly endless list of Addison's perfections, Meredith had decided she was not a good teacher. She barely gave Meredith a chance to answer a question before dismissing the possibility of a response.

Meredith wanted to leave the room but she knew she needs to wait for Addison. Leaving a patient room without her attending's permission, especially with that attending being the wife of the man she slept with, would only lead to a scolding. Following Addison out of the room, Meredith confronted her before even leaving the doorway.

"I could've answered your question had you given me the chance." Meredith told her.

Addison stepped close to her and passed her the patient chart, "Chin up, Grey. I'm this tough on everyone, not just the women my husband sleeps with. Order an ultrasound for her and pre-op labs in full." Julie overheard her doctors from her bed and felt sicker than she had since the start of her whole pregnancy ordeal.

Both Meredith and Addison started walking away. Just as Addison was about to turn a corner Meredith called out to her, "Last night," She stopped herself regretting bringing anything up but it was too late and Addison turned to look at her, "Last night," Meredith repeated, "We weren't going to do anything. I mean he told me about you the night before and I hadn't known I really hadn't known because this isn't me I don't sleep with bosses except I do but I really don't sleep with married men, you know? And last night he had just told me the day before and I was going to end it, last night. I was. Just so you know." Meredith always had such awful control of her words and they all just poured out in a ramble.

"Go order that ultrasound and labs." Was Addison's only reply as she walked away.

* * *

Usually, Meredith was proud of her bedside manner. She always made sure she spoke to her patients, got to know them off the charts. Part of being a surgeon was taking care of people and she didn't think she can do so if people were just blood types and allergies to her. Except for this patient, Julie. Meredith was so exhausted, not just physically but mentally. Her world had been turned upside down and she was working with the last doctor on the planet that she wanted to work with. Second to last, she corrected, thinking about her mother.

For the first time since the beginning of her internship, Meredith had not gotten to know her patient. Which was why she was shocked when Julie asked her, "What does it take to go after another woman's husband?" Meredith pulled the bottle of ultrasound jelly away from Julie, her mouth hanging open.

"Excuse me?" She asked. Meredith did not want to go over this and she hoped that Julie would decide not to push the topic.

"It happened to me," Julie continued confirming the fact that Meredith's luck was not improving any time soon, "Jeff moved in with a long-legged miniskirt who answer his phones, three weeks into my pregnancy," As her patient talked Meredith continued prepping the ultrasound, "By the way, that gel is really cold."

As she rubbed the ultrasound detector over Julie's stomach she apologized about her husband, again hoping that would be the end of the conversation. It was not. Julie asked her, "Are you sorry about Dr. Montgomery-Shepherd's husband?"

Julie kept surprising her and Meredith looked at her stunned. She quickly turned back to the monitor and decided not to participate in the conversation about Derek, "I'm going to be checking a few things today," she said.

But her patient kept talking, "I bet she asked to work with you. It's what I would have done."

Meredith wanted to leave the room. She wanted to drop the ultrasound technology, push her stool away, and walk out. She wanted to keep walking out of the hospital down the street and just keep walking. She wanted to walk out of Seattle. She wanted to walk so far that she falls off the face of the planet and nobody ever would say the name Meredith Grey again. Instead she finished the ultrasound and, in the most professional voice she could summon, said, "I'm gonna go check on your labs."

She lied to Julie. Instead of going to check on her labs Meredith walked to the large glass window in front of the nursery. Displayed before her were rows and rows of newborn babies, just days or even hours old, too young to be dark and twisty. She found George standing before the pediatrics window as well and Meredith was not surprised.

"Talking to yourself now?" Meredith asked as she came to stand beside her friend. She smiled a little as he delved into a nonsensical ramble that rivaled one of her own. When he complimented her she felt a little sick but hid it by focusing on the babies, "Wore my new lip gloss. Cause my ex-boyfriend's wife looks like Isabella freaking Rossellini, and I'm like me," Mentally, Meredith scoffed. Her life had become a soap opera, or even worse one of those primetime doctor shows where everyone is too attractive for their own good and medicine is just guesswork, "I'm trying to outdo her when she's the victim here. How crazy is that?"

George was no longer looking at the babies but instead was staring straight at her, "Not crazy," he told her, "Smart. You know, gloss, you know, prevents chapped lips…and," George stammered as he tried to think of what words to use, "ex-boyfriend?" He finally asked.

"I'm an evil mistress." Maybe she should not be near the babies. Maybe she was toxic and being near the newborns will curse them to be dark and twisty and whores who drink tequila and sleep with their married bosses. She did not move.

Always a sweetheart, George told her, "Well, still. You look nice."

"Thanks," for the first time since joining him, Meredith turned to look at him. Something was clearly wrong with George. She felt a little guilty, she was too wrapped up in her own problems to realize that his rambling meant he was not okay, "What are you doing here?"

* * *

Never had Meredith been angrier at a friend than she was in that very moment. She had just suffered through two months of insults and disparaging words from Cristina for sleeping with her boss only to find out from George that she had been doing the same exact thing.

Hissing in an angry whisper, "After all this time," Meredith followed Cristina, "All your warnings about me sleeping with my boss, and you're doing the same exact thing?" She had thought Cristina was becoming her best friend. She would be her first best friend since Sadie, her first confidant since her mother's diagnosis. Instead she was a hypocrite.

"It's not the same."

Meredith snapped back, "It's exactly the same!"

"Not it's not. You and McDreamy are in a relationship."

She scoffed, "Not anymore! He's married! I'm a whore! And you," Meredith pointed her finger at Cristina, "Are in a relationship, just like I was."

"I'm in Switzerland," Cristina started to walk away, "It's very neutral there and they make very nice watches."

Meredith followed her friend, vocally attacking her, "Have you even bothered to tell Burke about the baby," Cristina stopped walking and put her hands on her hips but refused to look at Meredith, "Are you going to?"

She spun around, and something in Cristina's voice sounded desperate, "Look, Meredith, can we not go there? Can everyone just accept the fact that there are some things I like to keep to myself? I don't discuss everything to death."

"Well why even confide in me at all?" Meredith said, "If you're so intent on not discussing it? Why even tell me?" She started to walk away before turning back to Cristina. Walking backwards, putting her weight on her heel before her toes with every step to emphasize her point, Meredith said, "You know, not telling him about the baby is worse than not telling me about a wife. And you know what? He even told me about the wife."

As Meredith walked away, Cristina looked down, guilt eating inside of her. Meredith bit her lip fiercely to keep from screaming. She just found out that both the people she trusted most in Seattle had been lying to her. At that moment, she was really regretting choosing the internship at SGH as opposed to the position at Mount Sinai in New York that she was offered.

* * *

 _Please stop talking please stop talking please stop talking_ was a silent mantra being repeated again and again inside Meredith's head. The words have been sealed into her skull ever since entering Julie's room and having her patient begin a conversation about her husband's mistress. Meredith wanted to scream at her that it wasn't the same. She wanted to throw down the ultrasound equipment and walk out of the room. Instead Meredith sat and listened to her patient talk about a civil conversation with a girl in a miniskirt who ended a fifteen-year marriage.

She sighed as she concentrated on the ultrasound. _Please stop talking please stop talking please stop talking_ she was just trying to be a good doctor but that was really difficult to do when your patient was indiscreetly attacking her personal life. Then she noticed something on the ultrasound and looked back at Julie. She sighed again. She was going to need to talk to Dr. Montgomery-Shepherd.

* * *

He was still angry. How could he not be? His wife, filled with an evil vendetta because she had, in a manner that perplexed him, made herself into the injured party, requested his girlfriend. If he could rewind to a few days ago and freeze life there he would. Instead, he was telling his wife to shut up because she kept insulting Meredith. Then Meredith was behind her saying his name.

Her name was already out of Meredith's mouth before she rounded the corner. Then she wanted to vomit when she saw what is on the other side of the bend. Both Drs. Shepherd were standing together arguing. Meredith could only assume it was over her. If she had waited before speaking there was a chance she could have escaped without having to talk to him but he was there and he responded.

In the most professional manner Meredith could muster she told Addison, "Labs confirm what look like abnormalities on the ultrasound. I think you should come and see for yourself." She kept her eyes trained on the red-head. Meredith knew that if she dare glanced over at Derek, even out of the corner of her eye, she would start screaming.

She was filled with such a mix of emotions that it was driving her insane. She wanted to love Derek with all her heart but she needed to hate him with all her mind. It was driving Meredith insane and it had only been one day. One minute she wanted to kiss him. The next minute she wanted to kill him. She hated being hot and cold but at this point it was subconscious. She wanted to stop loving at him, stop giving him the time of day, her brain was screaming at her to do so, but her heart won't let her stop.

"Fine," Addison said, "Let's go." She started walking away, leaving Derek alone. Meredith began to follow, desperate to escape Derek, even if it meant being alone with his wife.

"Meredith," He begged, "Meredith."

She was about to snap at him, telling him not to start. She was so angry at him but still so in love. She was angry at herself for that. Meredith spun around to tell him no but her words betrayed her. Instead of saying "don't" like she planned what came spilling out of her mouth instead was, "Stop saying my name!" She yelled, surprising herself, but the shock didn't stop there, "Stop acting like you can fix this like _this_ ," she frantically motioned between the two of them, "Was never really a thing as you are married! So stop it. Stop saying my name like it's a prayer or the answer to your question, stop saying my name begging for me to listen to you because I won't. I won't, Derek. Because I thought I loved you, I thought all I wanted to hear was you say my name like that but I was wrong because you are married so you don't get to say my name. You don't. So stop it. Don't."

He opened his mouth, trying to say something, but Meredith's outburst knocked all the air out of him just like her rant from the night before. She spun around and stormed off after Addison, determined to do her job. Derek watched her leave, knowing that he had made a terrible mistake. He thought, the night before, he should have followed Meredith instead of argue with Addison. He should have done a lot of things in his relationship with Meredith, but last night was an important should-have. Last night's should-have could have, might have, been able to keep their relationship afloat. He might have been able to make a clean break with Addison, the she-devil, and really try with Meredith. Instead he was left alone with a lot of should-haves and a lot of stares from concerned nurses, starving for more hospital gossip. He turned away from watching Meredith to see Burke and George watching him. Derek ran his hands through his hair thinking of all the should-haves.

* * *

For the first time, Meredith walked out of the OR without a surgery high. She just felt empty. After every other surgery she had either had Derek there flirting or him to go home to or him to wake up to. After that surgery she had a patient who hated her to update, an attending who hated her to do scut work for, and a bottle of tequila calling her name at home. Then a comment from Addison broke through Meredith's dark and gloomy thoughts. Julie wanted her off the case but instead, Addison defended her.

"My husband didn't cheat on me," Addison said, Meredith thought cynically that he technically cheated on both of them with the other, "I cheated on him. So the wronged woman here, Dr. Grey. So, I think you owe her one hell of an apology." Addison sounded like she was blaming herself for Meredith being wronged. Meredith disagreed. She blamed Derek. He was the one who was married that night at the bar, he was the one who pursued a relationship despite being married, he was the one who didn't tell her for so long. And him telling her didn't make up for it.

After updating Julie, Meredith's shift is finally over. She changed out of her scrubs in a rush but once she reached her jeep, instead of speeding out of the parking lot, she placed her forehead against the steering wheel and cried. It feels like a lifetime, but was really only fifteen minutes, before Meredith composed herself and drove home.

Bursting into the house, she flung her purse onto the hallway table and grabbed a bottle of tequila from the kitchen cabinet. She took the stairs two at a time before barricading herself in her room, sliding to the ground with her back against the door securing it against the outside world. Meredith grasped the bottle neck so tightly that her knuckles turned white. She desperately wanted to drink from the bottle, drown her sorrows away in her poison of choice, but she couldn't bring herself to take a sip. She squeezed her eyes shut and leaned her head against the door. There were so many thoughts running through her head that she felt like she's drowning. Drowning. Derek used that word the other night to describe his life before her. Now he was the reason she felt like drowning. Meredith abruptly jumped to her feet. She haphazardly flung the bottle of José Cuervo onto her bed, not sparing a thought towards being thankful the bottle didn't break. She was like a storm as she hurried down stairs, putting her boots on as she walked. The adrenaline coursing through her didn't spare her time to grab her jacket before bursting into the rain and starting up her car. She ripped out of the driveway as fast she could. Part of her knew that if she stopped to think for even a second she would stop what she was doing. Meredith kept moving until she was on the ferryboat. Then she was trapped with her decision. The sail across the sound seemed slower than it ever had. She thinks that if she wanted to she could just take the ferry back to Seattle and never complete her plan but once the boat is docked and she was in her car again, the adrenaline was back. It was as if there were a force within her telling her she had to go see him.

Derek was sitting on his porch, watching the rain and nursing a beer. He was lost in thought. He was regretting ever marrying Addison. He was regretting ever walking in on Addison and Mark. He was regretting not telling Meredith. He was regretting how he handled telling Meredith. There was so much he was regretting. But he wasn't regretting her. Not a single part of Derek regretted Meredith. The rain was soothing, he decided. The constant drumming of it, the warm hum it filled the air with. He came to Seattle adamant that he would hate it, that it would be terrible, but he had fallen in love with the city and with a specific person within it.

He looked up when he heard the sound of tires pushing through mud. He was terrified that it was going to be Addison. His heart seemed to sing when he realized it was Meredith. Neither of them said anything as she turned off the ignition and climbed out of the car. They just stared at each other. She came to stand next to the hood of the car but left feet between them, not daring to go any closer to him. Derek clutched the beer in his hand and takes a large gulp of it before resting it between his knees. He didn't say anything. He waited for her. He noticed she was not wearing a coat, just a vest. A week ago, if he had brought her to the trailer before, he would have dragged her inside and warmed her up in bed. Today he could just stare at her and hope she wouldn't get sick.

He's shocked when Meredith said, "Tell me."

"Where do you want me to start?"

She crossed her arms, and he thought that despite the rain and the chills that were shaking her body that she's beautiful, "From the beginning, I guess," Meredith told him.

The beginning was such a difficult point. Was it when he first met Mark or when he first met Addison? Was it when he first started being distant or when that distance turned into absence? Was it when he found them together or when he hopped on the first plane out of the city? Was it when he saw her in the bar or when he saw her in the hospital? There were so many beginnings in this story. Before he knew it, he started speaking, "One night I parked my car, I unlock my front door, go inside my house, and something 's different," He remembered the feeling like it was yesterday. It was like as if everything in the house had moved over an inch, the world tilted slightly off its axis, everything felt wrong, "Nothing's different, everything's the same, but yet, still, something's different," Meredith nodded a little as he spoke, "And I stand there for a while. And then I know. See, there are moments for me, you know, usually when I'm in the OR, when I just know what's gonna happen next," This might just be one of those moments. But he saw two possibilities. Either she would walk away or she will take him as he was, "So I go upstairs. As I'm walking down the hall," She slowly walked over and took a seat next to him. It was the first time since she found out that she actively chose to be close to him, "I trying to prepare myself for what I'm gonna see when I go into my bedroom. I step on a man's jacket that doesn't belong to me," He offered her his beer and she took a small sip, "And everything I think I know just shifts. Because the jacket that doesn't belong to me is a jacket that I recognize," It was a jacket he bought for his best friend's birthday. Mark had kept saying he needed a really great pea coat like the one Derek always wore so he bought him one. That very jacket was laying on his floor, "And what I know now is that when I go into my bedroom, I'm not just gonna see that my wife is cheating on me. I'm gonna see that my wife is cheating on me with Mark, who happened to be my best friend," He still felt sick when he would think about it. The way Addison was crying out his name before her eyes fell on Derek. The way Mark barely looked guilty. The way Addison climbed off him, tears already starting to fall as she wraps herself in Mark's discarded shirt and begged Derek to forgive her, "It's just so pedestrian, common and dirty, and cruel. Mostly just cruel. I left, came out here." He put down his beer when he finished. He glanced at her for a second but was terrified to see what her face might say and therefore didn't allow himself a longer look.

Meredith's eyes seemed to darken, "And you met me."

"And I met you. "He said. She nodded, agreeing with him.

She dropped her arm. Meredith glanced between him and her car, then back again. She shook her head no. She brushed back her hair as she stood up. Meredith slipped her hands into her pockets and turned to face him and asked him the question she asked on the first night he brought her to the trailer, "The girl you screwed to get over being screwed?"

Derek stood, "Meredith," Somehow, every time he said her name, it sounded like it was a deliverance and heaven and the sun breaking through clouds after the longest rain, "You're right," He spoke slowly, he walked slowly, Derek gave her plenty of time to back away, "You are the girl. As in you might be the one. You were never a one night stand or some excuse to get over Addison. You're fresh air after drowning," He said remembering his words from the other night, "You saved me." By the time Derek finished speaking they're standing so close that their chests are nearly touching. He leaned down, ready to kiss her, when she stepped back and put a hand against his chest, gently pushing him away.

"I might have saved you," Meredith whispered, "But I think you may have broken me."

Without another word, Meredith climbed into her car and drove away. Derek didn't know how long he stood in the rain, wishing her jeep would come back. It didn't. When he finally went back into the trailer he fell onto his bed, still in his wet clothes, and didn't move until his pager woke him up in the early hours.

Meredith was surprised by the lack of tears in her eyes. She figured once she's five or so shots in at the Emerald City Bar she'll start to feel them, but as she drove she just felt numb. She parked her car in the hospital parking lot because her plan for the night was to get so drunk she would need to sleep in an on-call room. She had already tossed back three shots before Cristina sat next to her. Despite their fight earlier in the day, Meredith was glad her sort of best friend was sitting next to her. She doesn't say anything, waiting for Cristina to initiate communication.

"The clinic has a policy," She sounded sad and stretched out her back as she spoke, "They wouldn't let me confirm my appointment unless I designated an emergency contact person. Someone to be there, just in case, and to help me home, you know, after," Meredith listened intently, a little confused as to why Cristina was telling her this, "Anyway, I put your name down. That's why I told you I'm pregnant. You're my _person_." Meredith was floored. She had never been trusted or cared for so much by someone to be their person. The only other instance like this would be her mother, but that didn't count because Ellis had nobody except Meredith. Cristina openly chose her.

"I am?" Meredith asked. Despite everything she felt happy and honored and was smiling. Cristina also thought of her as her best friend. She had a best friend. She hadn't had a best friend since Europe with Sadie.

"Yeah, you are. Whatever." There was something in Cristina's voice that told Meredith that there was so much emotion going through her that she didn't know how to process it. Cristina had to be cold to be okay and Meredith could understand that.

Meredith shrugged, trying to be casual and conceal her elation, "Whatever."

She put some of the peanuts from the bar into her mouth as she told Meredith, "He dumped me."

Meredith looked over at her person and saw the grief hidden under her cool exterior. She wrapped her arm around Cristina's shoulder and lay her head there. She knew Cristina was averse to all physical contact, let alone hugging, but Meredith believed they both need this.

Cristina was concerned, unsure how to process a hug, "You realize this constitutes hugging?"

"Shut up," Meredith said. She thought of breaking up with Derek, because after walking away tonight was official. She thought of Cristina being pregnant. She thought of meeting Addison, a woman to perfect to hate. She thought of Burke dumping Cristina. She thought of Julie in surgery. She thought of Joe and his falling. She thought of her mother alone in a nursing home, forgetting. She thought they both really need that hug, "I'm your _person_."

They sat like that for a long while.

* * *

 **A/N: Happy February! Hope you readers are enjoying the story so far. Please feel free to review! See you next week!**


	5. Chapter 5: The Dog Days Are Over

**Disclaimer: Any recognizable characters, dialogue, or plotlines or not my property. They belong the Shonda Rhimes and the Grey's Anatomy team at ABC. This is not for profit, just something fun for me to write.**

 **A/N: I nearly forgot it was Wednesday! Hope you all like this chapter. Keep reading and reviewing, I love hearing all the feedback!**

* * *

 _And I never wanted anything from you  
_ _Except everything you had and what was left after that too, oh  
_ _Happiness hit her like a bullet in the back  
_ The Dog Days Are Over – Florence + the Machine

* * *

Meredith Grey was very hungover, still a little drunk, and felt like she was going to vomit. It was his fault. His fault for giving her those dreamy eyes and then being married. But she was the one who had to suffer, laying on the cool temperature of her bathroom floor, prepared for another trip to the toilet if necessary. She was wearing her ratty Dartmouth shirt, a shirt that had been her trusty hangover shirt for years. She was still trying to rationalize everything. Her best friend was fully clothed and enclosed in the shower. Cristina was also trying to rationalize everything. Neither of them were doing very well. They had ended up in their positions after a considerable amount of time spent in Joe's bar, with Meredith drinking and them both complaining. Eventually, Cristina loaded a wasted Meredith into the car and drove back to her house. That was one the vomiting started for both of them, Meredith from the tequila and Cristina from morning sickness. They spent the rest of the night groaning and ranting about their exs.

"It's not us," Meredith decided, "It's them. Them and their stupid boy penises." Except, if she was being honest Derek's boy penis was far from stupid, it was actually rather enjoyable, "They didn't tell me they have a wife. Then they tell me they have a wife! Then their wife shows up! They still try to be with you despite their wife being here," Her life sounded like a primetime television show, the more she thought about it, "They gave absolutely no warning that they were going to break up with you."

Angrily, Cristina slid the shower door open, "It's not that Burke broke up with me," She repeated the same explanation she had been using the entire night, "It's how he broke up with me. Like it was business," Meredith turned to look at Cristina, leaving her head on the floor and causing her hair to fan out around her head, "Like it was a business transition like he's the boss of me!"

Closing her eyes tightly, "He is the boss of you," She motioned with her hands, it was as if her head was so clouded the words wouldn't come out without the assistance of her body parts, "And Derek's the boss of me. And his wife is the boss of me!" She groaned and dropped her head to the ground with a thud, "Ow." Meredith said, rubbing the back of her head for a moment.

"What's worse," Cristina highlighted, "Is that we care."

Meredith painfully propped herself up on her elbows and crawled towards the toilet, "I think I'm gonna throw up again." To block her out, Cristina pulled the shower door closed again. As Meredith leaned over the toilet, she held her bangs back with a hand and breathed heavily. She felt the need to vomit but nothing was coming. For a second she wondered if she pictured Derek's face in the toilet bowl as a target then she would be able to throw up, but nothing happened, "No," She said through strained breaths, "Wait. False alarm." Gratefully, Meredith lowered herself to kneel comfortably on the ground.

Free from the threat of her person vomiting, Cristina slid the door open again and said, "Look, the problem is estrogen."

"No the problem is tequila." Meredith said as she felt her empty stomach churning. She leaned against the wall, hating life.

"I used to be all business," Cristina said, she hung her arm out over the edge of the bathtub and pointed her finger to emphasize her words, "and then he goes and gets me pregnant."

"With his stupid boy penis!" Meredith clarified, bringing the conversation back to its origin.

Cristina buried her face in her arms, "Now, I'm having hormone surges. He ruined me. I'm ruined. He turned me into this fat, stupid, pregnant girl. Who cares," She added caring as if it was the worst thing in the world then slammed the shower door, "Estrogen!"

"Penises," Meredith said, erratically waving her finger. As they argued, Izzie and George opened the bathroom door to find the sight of both miserable interns, "Penises, Izzie."

"Estrogen, George." Cristina added.

George looked around confused, "Okay." He clutched his toothbrush and toothpaste in his hands. Izzie gave both of her friends a pitying look and fiddled with the water bottle she held. She poured water into Cristina's offered cup, helping her fend off the hangover. "What did I miss," George asked.

Meredith zoned out as Izzie explained the sight of her vomiting the night before to George. Her head was pounding and she was craving a strong cup of coffee. She shook her head in regret. Part of Meredith just hated herself. Then as George brushed his teeth he casually asked her if she really broke up with Derek. She had.

"I feel empty."

She stared unseeing in front of her. She ignored Izzie's sarcastic comment about vomiting. She felt empty. When Cristina told her she's lucky, she just felt worse.

* * *

When she got to the hospital and Derek was waiting for her, she felt even emptier. It was raining, like always, and when she closed her car door and walked towards the dry path against the hospital he was there.

"Stop," She said, not even looking at him.

He pushed himself off the pillar he had been leaning against as he waited for her. Derek followed her towards the doors to the lobby, "What?"

"You're stalking me," Meredith stated, "Stop it."

"Did we not communicate last night?" Derek asked.

Her heart plummeted. He did not understand what she had said. She was going to need to break up with him all over again and this time there won't be tequila waiting for her, just a long shift in the hospital. "Clearly we didn't communicate well enough," She muttered.

"Did you not hear what I was saying?"

Mid-step, Meredith stopped. She turned to face him, "I heard what you were saying. I heard that your wife slept with your best friend. But apparently you didn't hear what I was saying. I was saying it's over. I don't care that you told me before her showing up, I don't care that you had some messed up marital amnesia. It's over." She started walking again, her back to him.

"Come on," Derek pleaded, "I bared my soul to you last night."

"That's not enough."

"How can that not be enough?" In distress, Derek threw his arms out to his sides. He just wanted her to understand.

They were right outside the doors and Meredith could see two options. She could just stop talking to him. It would probably be easier, a clean break. Or she could turn around again and tell him how he hurt her. So she did, "When you waited 2 months to tell me and the day after I had to find out she shows up, all leggy and fabulous, you pulled the plug. For all I know, you only told me because you knew she was coming. You could have thought by telling me you could have your wife and your whore on the side, you pulled the plug, Derek. I'm a sink with an open drain. Anything that you say runs right out. There is no enough." She ignored the look of pain in his eyes. She ignored the way his mouth opened and closed as she spoke as he desperately tried to find words for an apology. She ignored Cristina turning around to check on her as she walks inside. She just told him that they're over. She needed to make the cut. Like in surgery, it had to be clean and precise and she realized last night it was not. If last night was a surgery her patient would have coded on the table. Not this conversation, this conversation was going to live through post-op and leaving the hospital, and many decades to come. If this conversation were a surgery, it would be a success because there was no way in Meredith's mind that Derek could see it as anything other than a break up.

As Meredith stormed into the hospital Derek stayed standing in front of the doors. His usually perfect hair was dripping wet from waiting in the rain and the downtrodden look on the face solidifies his half drowned puppy aesthetic. He looked heartbroken and he was thinking he just might deserve it. He stood in front of the doors thinking about how he should have told her sooner.

"She probably could've picked a better metaphor," George said as he and Izzie walked past Derek. They don't even acknowledge that he was there.

Izzie replied, "Give her a break. She's got a hangover."

Derek stayed standing outside. His eyes were focused on the concrete but his mind was somewhere else. He really messed everything up. When he finally walked in Burke confronted him in the lobby. Post break-up, the last thing Derek wanted to hear was that the only surgery he had scheduled for the day was being pushed back for Burke. Angry, he snapped at Burke to bump somebody else. He knew he was just picking a fight, but not only was he now single and his evil wife was roaming the halls, his competition was granted interim chief. He huffed as he walked away, prepared to barricade himself in his office and sulk.

Cristina taunted Meredith about their ex-boyfriends as they climbed on the elevator, having watched the entire aggressive exchange between Burke and Derek, "Mine's bigger than yours."

* * *

It is often said that doctors make the worst patients but Derek had to protest. Over the years he had treated a handful of doctors and Richard Webber was by far the worst patient he had ever had. From his time treating Richard, Derek had decided that the worst patients have to be chiefs of surgery. They have the stubbornness of a surgeon, the drive of a doctor that always tells them they are right, and the command from being chief. Derek just wanted to give him a neurocheck, he has had five year olds be more compliant with the flashlight than the Chief was being.

Then Adele walked in and for the first time all day, Derek smiled. He smirked as he watched the husband and wife argue over brain surgery. Holding Richard's chart, he made a quick note about not cooperating with the neurocheck but stayed in the room longer than needed to listen to them. It was comforting, after the events of the past few days, to see two people who loved each other.

But when the Chief directed his attention to him, Derek wished he left the room when he had the chance. "You called my wife?" Richard accused Derek.

Petulantly, Derek replied, "You called mine." Speak of the devil, or so the saying goes, and Addison arrived. Now, with Richard and Adele witnessing, Derek had to argue with her. Poor Adele, Derek thought, she was under the impression that they were going to get back together. He doubted that would ever happen. He let her know, "Addison and I are over, Adele."

"It's not like we're divorced," Addison said.

With no emotion he replied, "Practically divorced." Using more force than necessary, Derek snapped the patient chart shut.

Adele asked, "You've had counseling?"

"We had adultery, that was enough." Without giving anybody a chance to reply Derek stormed out of the room. Her marched down the hallway fuming. It was beyond comprehension to Derek that people could think he should get back together with Addison, with the assistance of counseling or without. Part of him wondered why he was ever with Addison because now, he's not even sure if their relationship was ever the real thing. Maybe once it was love but that was a long time ago. Now it was just resentment and hurt, a common theme in both of his relationships at the moment.

The three others watched him leave. An awkward silence fell in the room before Addison left, telling Adele that she would call her later.

* * *

Inside her patient were ten Judy doll heads and Meredith was going to have to hand search the crazy man's intestines for every single one. The day was turning out to be a very long day. While her friends were working with traumas, Meredith was dealing with a man who ate children's toys. She was, ashamed as she was by it, a little interested in what Raj had to say about her patient's mental state which led him to eat dolls.

She was smiling a little at Bailey's disgusted face when Addison asked, "Dr. Grey, may I speak with you for a moment?"

As Dr. Bailey signed off on the patient chart, Meredith sent her a pleading look. Her resident said, "Don't look at me for help."

Meredith walked alongside Addison as the attending said, "I assumed he told you why he left me."

She sighed. Meredith was done with this. The hospital was not supposed to be a personal playground for her love life. She was there to work. She was done with this. She didn't want to think about Derek or Addison or whoever Mark may be. She wanted to help patients, even if they need help because they ate doll heads or even if they need help because they were drunk driving. She was angry with the fact that her love life had fallen to pieces in the halls of the hospital. She was angry at Derek for sleeping with her then pursuing a relationship. She was angry with herself for dating him. She was angry and she was done. She was done with these conversations. Meredith crossed in front of Addison and stopped walking, "Dr. Shepherd," Meredith started, "with all due respect, this has nothing to do with me. But if it did, I'd like to let you know that he had already told me and it doesn't matter. He doesn't matter. So I would appreciate if all of this could stop." When Meredith started to walk away her spirits fell when Addison spoke again.

"Really?" Addison asked, "So you didn't take him back? Good girl."

Walking beside her, Meredith turned to her and said, "I said stop it. I meant it. In the future I'd appreciate it if we could keep our relationship strictly professional."

Addison stopped walking but Meredith continued, it was a physical way to distance herself from her problems. "Meredith," Addison called her back to the conversation, "Sometimes people do desperate things to get someone's attention. There are two sides to every story."

"Addison," Meredith said, "I really don't care." Then she turned away and walked away as quickly as she could. A voice in the back of Meredith's head called her a liar because she knew she still desperately cares for Derek. She also knew that she can't care. He was married, she repeated in her head as she walked down the hallway. _I don't care_ she repeated in her head as she walked down the hallway. _I need an Advil_ she repeated in her head as she walked down the hallway. The only voice she listened to was the one telling her to take pain medication for the massive stress headache she had building.

Ever since finding out Derek was married, Meredith had tried to convince herself that she didn't care about him. In her head she tried to replaces the word McDreamy with McBastard. She tried to think of him as Dr. Shepherd instead of Derek. When she looked at him in his indigo scrubs she tried not to think of him without anything on. But there was no try and she was failing miserably.

She watched intently from a nurses' station as Derek argued with Dr. Orsen over a donor patient still being alive. His words reminded her of the man who jumped off an elevator to find out if his patient was one in a million or not. He was passionate and he was not giving in. Meredith was proud of him when Burke sided with him and they agree to give tests to the patient.

Then her eyes fall upon Cristina across the hallway. She knew as they made eye contact that they were both thinking the same thing. They can't care.

When he was walking away with the patient Derek looked back towards Meredith. He was checking to see if she caught the show, to see if she cared. Meredith made a point to roll her eyes at him as she slammed her patient chart closed. Derek's heart crumbled, thinking she didn't care. Meredith's heart crumbled, because she had to pretend she didn't care.

She didn't listen to the voice telling her she didn't care because Meredith Grey still cared. She was still in love with Derek.

* * *

Elevators at Seattle Grace Hospital seemed to have the unique power to cause unwanted situations. They also caused a make out session between Derek and Meredith which was something very much wanted, so they may not be all evil, but Derek believed they are mostly evil. He remembered the day of that great kiss, Meredith decided to take the stairs instead of the elevator. As Addison climbed on the otherwise empty car, Derek wished he did the same.

Glancing up from his blackberry, he remarked, "Just when the day was improving."

She invaded his personal space and said, "You told Meredith what happened?"

Surprised, Derek glanced up at Addison. He took a step away from her to give himself more space. When she boarded the elevator, this was not the conversation he expected. "I did," He pressed the button for the lobby multiple times as if his actions would speed up the elevator, which it wouldn't, "What did you tell her?"

"That sometimes people do desperate things to attract attention," She looked right into his eyes as she spoke.

"What?" Derek crossed his arms over his chest, "Wow," Realization washed over Derek. Addison really thought she was the victim in the disaster of their marriage because he hadn't been there. He knew he had been absent but sleeping with his best friend was not the way to have him be there. "That's your side of this? That I didn't pay you enough attention. Is that you were thinking when you got naked with my best friend?" Part of him pitied her.

Again Addison walked towards him and invaded his space. She used pressing the button for her floor as an excuse to stand closer, "No, by that point I wasn't thinking at all Derek. By that point I was just scratching an itch. We got successful you and me," She was using the word we. She was sharing the blame. Derek agreed, they were both at fault for being absent but she was at fault for their marriage being over. She was the one who slept with someone else. "We got busy and we got lazy. We didn't even bother to fight any more Derek. And Mark was there and I missed you. And now I'm sorry." As she spoke he clenched and unclenched his jaw. He was doing everything in his power not to scream. He reached out and pressed his floor button again. He just wanted to get off the elevator, "I'm more sorry than you can possibly imagine. But at least I'm talking to you about it."

The doors opened and he had never been more thankful to exit an elevator. Imploringly, Addison called his name. He thought about Meredith as he looked at his wife. He thought about how his wife cheating led him to someone so wonderful and how his lying cost him that same person. "I'm a sink with an open drain, Addie," He said before he walked away.

As he walked through the hospital Derek thought about all the ways he let his marriage fall apart. He thought about all the mistakes he made with Meredith. He decided he doesn't want to mess up any more. He decided he was going to make her understand.


	6. Chapter 6: Made for Ending

**Disclaimer: Any recognizable characters, dialogue, or plotlines or not my property. They belong the Shonda Rhimes and the Grey's Anatomy team at ABC. This is not for profit, just something fun for me to write.**

 **A/N: If you're reading and enjoying this, please take some time to review! Also, if you're interested in seeing some MerDer graphics, check out my tumblr, estrangedlestrange, under the merderedit tag! Happy Reading!**

* * *

 _We talked it over  
_ _We talked until we couldn't speak  
_ _Let's make it simple  
_ _We don't need the time to think it over  
_ _Let's make it easy on each other  
_ Made for Ending – Jukebox the Ghost

* * *

Doctors recommend healthy exercise such as jogging or strength training to help improve a person's mood. Despite being doctors, Meredith and Cristina disagreed with that suggestion. Both had given the orders to exercise to many patients in order to prevent surgery or maintain a healthy lifestyle after surgery but neither actually enjoyed that activity or partook in it themselves. But because of the stress in their lives and the fact that drinking tequila was not working for healing their pain, they decided to go for a jog in the park.

Out of breath, Cristina stopped jogging. She leaned down against her thighs and heaved in air. When Meredith doubled back to have her keep up the pace, Cristina started jogging again. As they reach a clearing Cristina declared, "Oh you're stupid. Oh God. You're stupid, evil, sadist and I wanna kill you."

"Endorphins are good," Meredith said in an attempt to rationalize the torture she seemed to be committing herself to by wasting her free time outside the hospital jogging instead of sleeping, "Endorphins are mood elevators. This is supposed to make us feel better."

Feeling tight cramps in her side, Cristina stopped jogging again. She leaned over, her hand over her stomach and gasped for breath. "Oh god," She moaned, "Do you feel better?"

As Cristina complained, Meredith kept up jogging around her friend. "I'm stupid," Meredith said.

"Slutty mistress." Cristina was walking in small circles, exhausted, as Meredith still circled her. A slutty mistress still in love with her ex-boyfriend.

Meredith replied, "Pregnant whore." A pregnant whore who refused to tell her ex-boyfriend. They were both a mess.

Clutching her head Cristina leaned forward and said, "Sleeping with our bosses was a great idea."

Finally listening to her protesting body, Meredith stopped jogging. She mirrored Cristina's previous pose with her hands pushed against her thighs for support. "You know what's ruined for me?" She asked. Cristina didn't reply just let out a pained ah. Meredith kept talking as she stretched out her legs to alleviate the burning going through her muscles from the exertion, "Ferry boats. I used to love ferry boats and Derek's got a thing for ferry boats. Now every time I see a frigging ferry boat-"

Cristina interrupted her and threw out her hand, pointing at Meredith, "You know what's ruined for me? Coronary artery by-pass grafts ... and aortic aneurysms. God I used to love aortic aneurysms."

Breathing heavily, they both gave in to their bodies and laid down on the ground. They stared out at the gray Seattle sky. For a few moments between them the only sound was their breathing. Both were thinking about different things. Cristina was thinking about getting rid of her pregnancy, of preventing a neglected baby from being forced into the world, of never making eye contact with Burke again. Meredith was thinking about the sad looks Derek kept giving her, the way Addison stopped her in the hallway to try to explain, of the whispers from the nurses that followed her through the hallway. She thought about how she wished she could kiss him one last time, how she wished he wasn't married, of how she wished Addison hadn't come. She just thought about him. She was still in love. She was screwed.

"Have you cried yet?" Meredith asked.

They turned to look at each other. "Hello?" Cristina mocked her. Of course she hadn't cried. Cristina Yang is a double doctor and she did not cry, especially not over a man. Still, she asked, "Do you think we'll feel better if we cry? You know like just let it out?"

Meredith closed her eyes before replying, "Probably. Yeah." She opened her eyes again and they both stared at the sky. They were both thinking about them again.

"Do you want to cry now?" Cristina sounded terrified, as if dealing with a crying Meredith would be the worst thing in the world.

Immediately Meredith said, "No."

"Okay, let's...let's jog." Cristina suggested.

They both stayed on the ground, exhausted emotionally and physically.

* * *

Just the day before Derek was bemoaning the awkward situations caused by Seattle Grace elevators. Yet, he didn't take the stairs. Maybe he was hoping he would get stuck in the elevator with Meredith, so he could explain. An empty elevator was always a great place in the hospital to hold a private conversation. He should have known the moment he stepped on the elevator she would somehow appear. He also should have known that speaking aloud the name Satan summons the creature. Not only did Satan appear, she complemented the Chief on the ridiculous leather hat he was wearing to hide his shaved head and scar from brain surgery. Brain surgery that Derek preformed and despite that the Chief invited Satan to Seattle. And by Satan, of course, Derek meant his estranged wife.

"Satan speaks," Derek said to Richard.

Addison playfully responded, "Actually I prefer to be called ruler of all that is evil," Derek hated the fact that she was trying to repair their relationship. After everything that happened. After her sleeping with his best friend, his brother, she thought that she could joke around. To Derek, their marriage was over. There was no way to return from what she did. Richard laughed at her comment and Derek rolled his eyes, "But I will answer to Satan."

Training his eyes on the ceiling Derek asked the Chief, "What is she still doing here?" He refused to address Addison.

"I asked her to stay," The Chief shrugged as if this is no big deal, "We have a pediatric surgery attending on maternity leave."

"Actually," Addison said to Derek, "I could use you on a consult. Will you, ah, meet me up there Derek?"

Eyes wide, shocked and angry with Richard, Derek said, "Ah, Yeah," He finished exasperatedly, "Fine."

Addison left the elevator and Derek felt better just with her leaving his presence. He actually felt nauseous when he looked at her. When he looked at her he thought of broken vows and cheating wives and Meredith crying. It all made him sick.

"I'm not clearing you for surgery," He said to the Chief as the elevator doors closed. He might not have the power to keep Addison out of Seattle, but he had the power to keep Richard out of surgery. Not to mention he had the responsibility to keep Richard out of surgery so soon after his tumor, but it felt like retribution for him bringing Addison to the west coast, to their hospital.

Looking at Meredith was the exact opposite of looking at Addison. He could forget about Addison and running through the rain in New York. He thought of ferryboats and laughter and the feeling of a summer breeze. When they passed each other by the main stairs and their eyes met he thought of all of that. He also thought of the fact that he let her down. That she hates him. That he might love her. That he needs to explain. He had decided to explain, to make her understand. His first explanation didn't work but he needed to keep trying.

Looking at Derek, Meredith didn't feel empty. She felt waves of emotion. She remembered laughter and kisses that promised more to come and waking up to someone who made her want to sing. Her issue was when she looked away. When Meredith looked away she felt empty because she knew reality was such that because he was married, all of that she remembered when looking at him was just that, a memory. It wouldn't be happening again. When Meredith looked at Derek she loved him. When Meredith looked away she hated him. She tried to hate him. All those thoughts ran through her mind when their eyes met as they passed each other by the main stairs.

* * *

It was impossible for Meredith not to recognize that voice. It was the voice that told her daddy was not coming to Boston. It was the voice that told her she had to grow up and believing for Santa was for kids. It was the voice that told her birthdays aren't as important as saving a person's life in surgery, even if that birthday was a tenth birthday. It was the voice that told her she would never get into med school. It was the voice that told her to be extraordinary. It was the voice that told she was ordinary. It was her mother's voice. And was yelling at the Seattle Grace interns, her friends. Meredith's mother was in the hospital and she was on a rampage. Meredith dropped the snack she had pulled out from the vending machine, she was no longer hungry.

"Where is the Chief," Ellis shrieked from the gurney, Meredith had often heard her mother this enraged but never had she seen her so insane, "You're all amateurs!"

Cristina continued to read Ellis' symptoms. Meredith continued to stare in shock. Ellis yelled that everyone treating her were amateurs. Meredith felt nauseous. It felt like her heart was stopping. Her mother wanted to keep this a secret. Her mother didn't want anybody to know how low the great Ellis Grey had sunk. Meredith had followed her lead and then some, because she didn't want to have to tell her friends. This was the last thing either Grey women wanted.

Bailey kept asking for the patient's name. Cristina just kept pausing. She snapped for the patient's name again. Then Ellis spotted her.

"What the hell are you doing here?" Ellis bellowed at her daughter.

Meredith felt like a little girl again. When she was little and naive, believing that her mother would pay attention to her, Meredith would sometimes try to find Ellis in the hallways. This felt like one of those moments. She slipped away as fast as she can. Meredith felt all eyes on her. She knew everyone was staring. Now not only was she the intern who slept with her married boss, she was the intern with the crazy and violent mother who slept with her married boss.

Ellis' voice followed Meredith around the corner, "Haven't I told? How many times have I told you not to bother me when I'm at work?"

Around the corner Meredith watched. She tucked herself close to the wall pulling her body as tight together as possible. It was as if her brain was saying the more compact she became the more likely she would disappear. She really wanted to disappear.

"Ellis Grey," Cristina told Bailey.

The cat was out of the bag as soon as George said, "Meredith's mother."

For a moment Meredith leaned her head against the wall. She closed her eyes as her mother continued screaming. She thought Addison coming to the hospital was the end of the world. She was wrong. This was the end of the world.

Then she took off at a sprint down the hallway. She needed to get away. Give fight or flight, Meredith always chose flight.

She ran through the halls, nearly crushing Nurse Tyler. Meredith ignored the angry words from him as she ran into the interns' locker room, the attached bathroom, and then emptied the contents of her stomach. After wiping off her mouth and groaning, Meredith walked into the main area, put her back against the row of lockers and just stood there.

A few minutes later all her friends and Bailey were at the door. She assumed they had gotten her mother a room. She also assumed by now the hospital gossip mill was running at full speed and soon everyone within the walls would know. She wondered for a second if Derek knew. Outside the locker room her friends were pleading for her to talk to them, telling her she didn't need to go through anything alone. If Meredith wasn't so lost she would have scoffed at that. She had always done everything alone because she had always needed to. Not once in her life has anyone followed through.

Inside her head Meredith had two mantras. One kept repeating _this isn't happening this isn't happening this isn't happening_ while the other kept repeating _it will be okay it will be okay it will be okay_. She didn't even know her mother needed to be in the hospital. She wondered if the nursing home should have called her before they brought her in. Even if it was an emergency Meredith assumed it was in the paperwork that they needed to call her. Her mind rambled on but she just kept breathing and blinking. She felt like she was spinning out of control.

The sound of Bailey closing the door knocked Meredith out of her stupor. She spun away from the locker she was leaning against and walked towards her resident. All her friends were gone, assigned to cases. At that moment she was incredibly thankful to have Bailey, harsh nickname or not, as her resident. Bailey really cared for her interns, which was probably why she is the strictest resident.

"Are you able to work today?" Bailey asked Meredith, putting her hands on her hips in a power stance but still appearing more concerned than imposing.

Pulling out pens and notepaper from her locker Meredith quickly replied, "Yes. I'm fine." No, she isn't fine but Meredith was never fine. She always worked on never fine. She could work that day just like any other day.

"Cause I would understand it if you wanted to be with your-"

With the slam of her locker, Meredith cut Bailey off, "No. My mother and I don't have the easiest," Meredith breathed in a large gulp of air, she didn't want to explain so she settled on saying, "it's just better if I'm working." She did a few small and frantic nods to signify her point. Totally fine. Nothing wrong here. Except everything was wrong. Meredith just pushed through it.

"Okay," Bailey said, not believing her, "You're on scut."

"Excuse me?"

Sometimes Bailey was like the over protective mother she never had, Meredith thought. Bailey put her on scut for her own protection, easier work load and less patient interaction. Bailey claimed it was for the protection of patients, so a distracted Meredith wouldn't drop a kidney or something, but it was mostly for her. Meredith was a little touched. She was also a little upset. She hated scut. Grumbling, Meredith headed over to the nurses' station to gather the charts she would be completing. As she filled out the papers she waited for the inevitable pages asking her to run labs. Meredith hoped she won't have to deal with the creepy urologist today, there was nothing she hated more than bringing labs to him. His moustache just made her uncomfortable. She sighed. With her mother in the hospital and scut work, it was going to be a long day for her.

* * *

Walking away from the chief's office, Meredith allowed herself a moment to hate her mother. Ellis forced her to lie to people who cared about the Grey women, an already small group that Meredith hated making smaller through keeping secrets. Meredith then felt guilty for resenting her mother because while she wasn't the most devoted parent a child could ask for she raised her by herself and she was slowly withering away. Deciding to check in on her mother, Meredith paused just outside of the doorway of room 3236 and called George over. It was not that she didn't trust George, she just wanted the best for her mother.

After calling George to her, Meredith realized she had nothing to actually say to her friend. She mentioned her mother's allergy to penicillin, although being an intern herself she knew that information was on her mother's chart. Meredith thought for a moment that maybe it was a good thing that Bailey assigned her to scut today, she was a little distracted.

When George asked, "Do you um ... who's Thatch?" Meredith seemed to feel the Earth move below her feet. It had been years since she heard that name. She learned not to ask about her father at a young age and Ellis hadn't mentioned him by name since Meredith was younger than ten. The last thing Meredith could have predicted was Ellis telling George about Thatcher.

A long pause filled the air. Meredith struggled to process what George asked, "My dad, Thatcher. ... What did she ... is she ... is she talking about him?"

Her mother never spoke about Thatcher. Meredith exchanged a few short words with George but all she could think was that her mother doesn't talk about Thatcher.

"Um," Meredith said, "I can't be here." She waited and watched George go back into her mother's room, though. Trapped in the past, her mother believed she is in the prime of her residency and was studying her own patient chart. Meredith leaned against the wall behind her, looking away from the room again. If it was any other patient this would all be funny but instead it was her mother. Meredith felt like she is drowning.

Then she spotted Derek across the hall. For a moment Meredith felt alright just because she was looking at him. She hadn't allowed herself the pleasure of thinking about him positively in days and it felt like it is killing her. He smiled at another attending as he passed him at the nurses' station and Meredith smiled a little as she watches the exchange. Without really thinking, Meredith followed Derek into the nurses' station.

He was sorting through files and she nearly bit her tongue to stop herself from speaking. Instead, "Dr. Shepherd," stuttered from her lips.

"Meredith," nobody had ever said her name like Derek did, her made it sound like more than a name. The concern and love that he expressed just through her name alone broke Meredith's heart because she couldn't be with him. He's married. "I heard," he said, resigned, "Is it true?" He's married but she loves him.

"Yeah, secret's out." Before today he was the only one who knew. They hadn't even been together when she told him but it was eating away at her then and she had to tell him. It still surprised Meredith how much she loved him. She hated herself for it. Because despite the wife and the lying, she still loved him. He sighed at her words as if the fact that her mother in the hospital hurt him. She wondered if it did simply because it was hurting her.

"Dr. Shepherd, I-" he cut her off. He was walking towards her and each step he took made her heart pound. She just wanted to wrap herself in his arms and cry. She couldn't though. She was a professional and they were nothing more than colleagues, him being her boss. But as she was falling apart, she knew through Derek, with or without a relationship, she could escape.

"You don't have to call me Dr. Shepherd," he said. He pleaded really. He wanted her to understand how much he cares about her. The day before he had vowed to make her see how much he valued her but he needed the opportunity to make her listen. But when he tried to have a personal conversation with her, Meredith pushed him away. Meredith wished that she didn't have to call him Dr. Shepherd. She wished she could talk to him like she knew he wanted her to. But if she called him Derek she would throw all caution to the wind and allow herself to love him and be with him despite Addison and she wouldn't let that happen.

She was adamant when she used his title again, "Dr. Shepherd. I want in on a surgical case," She just wanted to escape into the OR where everything could make sense. As she argued why he should let her in on his case Derek looked so concerned Meredith though he might burst. She could tell just from his eyes that he wanted to comfort her, but if he wanted to help her professionally was the only way she would let him. She tried to ignore the fact that he looked a little hurt because she refused to actually talk to him about her emotions. He gave her a little smile as he walked away after letting her in on his case. Meredith was just thankful that she had the ETS surgery as means of escape. She was also thankful for the case because when her mother started screaming, she hid away in her patient's room. But even the surgery couldn't help Meredith escape the fact that her mother might have cancer.

* * *

For some reason, Meredith had always loved scrub rooms. It might be because when she was little she would sometimes sit in there and color while her mother was in surgery. Or maybe it was because while scrubbing in the adrenaline for surgery starts flowing, it's the pre-show where the excitement begins and when scrubbing out it's the final curtain call. But with Derek in the scrub room all concerned and touchy, Meredith just felt trapped. He was just trying to comfort her but Meredith couldn't let herself let him. She snapped at him not to and he backed away. She didn't even feel guilty when he looks offended.

He's married, he had no right to be holding her shoulders like that and trying to help her. And so Meredith went on a rant. She needed to let her frustration out after such a horrible day and Derek was the perfect target. In her head Meredith kept repeating _don't don't don't_ , she wasn't sure if the thoughts are directed at her or Derek.

"Alex do you care that I was the intern stupid enough to screw the married attending?"

"No," Alex said bluntly. Still scrubbing her hands, Meredith gave Derek a pointed look.

Derek said in a calm soft voice, "It's okay."

Meredith snapped. She had snapped so many times that day but now she just felt like she needed to scream. She wanted to break something, "It's not okay! You have a wife who's not easy to hate," she wanted to break him, "Who's annoyingly kind and painfully smart and currently saving my friend's life." Alex stood behind Derek and attempted to hide his laugh but the show before him was just too good. Cristina. She was Meredith's person and she was currently in an OR, not performing surgery but having surgery. Meredith felt like everything that could go wrong had gone wrong all in a single day. Or in even more than a single day. It was as if Meredith's life had been cursed starting from the moment Derek told her that he was married.

"Meredith," Derek pleaded, "Just…"

"Don't!" She screamed again, "Stop talking to me like you're my boyfriend! Stop talking to me at all." Then she marched out of the room. Meredith wasn't sure if she felt better, but she was positive Derek felt worse and that helped her a little.

Derek watched Meredith leave, hurting. He knew he royally messed everything up but he thought with Ellis in the hospital Meredith would let him help. He wanted to help. Instead he was left standing in a scrub room with Alex Karev of all people laughing at his life. Derek knew Meredith was right, he was married and she wasn't his girlfriend. But Derek wished he wasn't married and that she was his girlfriend. He just wished he could talk to her. He wanted her to know how much he cared. He wanted her to know he was there for her.

Meredith used to love scrub rooms but being in one with Derek just makes her want to run.

* * *

Both of them felt alone. They were alone.

Meredith sat in an empty OR gallery. She had her knees pulled up to her chest and rested her chin against them. Nervously, she ran her hands through her hair. She couldn't stop thinking. She thought about her mother forgetting everything and becoming violent and angry. She thought of Cristina, unconscious and open with nobody holding her hand. She thought of Derek, too perfect and too dreamy to be true and too married to be with. She thought about the fact that she loved all three of them and that all three of them were making her fall apart. She was, after all, alone in a OR gallery because of the three of them.

Derek stood on the empty catwalk watching the sun disappear. He anxiously ran his hands through his dark curls and then leaned against the railing. He thought about Addison and how Meredith was right about her. How she was impossible to hate and, in most cases, all too kind. He thought about how she cheated but then chased him down. He thought about how she cared so much she wanted him to perform a futile surgery on a baby with no hope. Derek thought about Ellis Grey, screaming foul things from her patient room. He wished he could help. He's a neurosurgeon and he could do nothing. He thought about Meredith, the reason he wanted to help. He thought about her berating him in the scrub room, how he deserved all her harsh words and more. He thought about the last time they kissed, how it seemed so ordinary and beautiful, as if they would be doing it forever. He thought they would be doing to forever. As Derek watched the sun disappear he thought about Addison and Meredith and how he let Meredith down in the same way his wife did him.

Lost in thought, Derek wandered into the NICU. But then Addison was there and he can no longer think straight. When he's near her he felt guilty for letting their marriage fall apart because it takes two not to tango. He felt guilty for not telling Meredith sooner. He felt guilty for not pushing Addison away. He felt guilty for wanting to push Addison away. There were so many conflicting emotions that it was impossible for Derek to think straight.

Then she was talking about their choices. She was trying to be funny and Derek didn't like it. He didn't understand how cheating could be so insignificant to her. How she didn't understand how breaking their vows broke him. Then Addison was kissing him. He was not sure how he felt. He kissed back but there were no sparks. He can't remember the last time he felt sparks with Addison. But with Meredith, Derek could feel lightning bolts. But maybe that's because everything with her was new. Except that wasn't true because their last kiss was so every day, so casual, and yet it still electrified him. He's not sure if he ever felt that with Addison. But still he kissed back. When she pulled away Derek looked down. He's so conflicted. He's so confused.

* * *

The day had just been too much. Her mother was admitted into the hospital. Derek was there. Cristina had surgery. Derek was there. Her mother might have cancer. Her mother didn't have cancer. Derek was there. So much happened over the course of a single day and Meredith felt like she couldn't breathe. She needed air. Meredith stumbled outside the hospital and as fresh air washed over her she sighed. It was raining out and Meredith felt comfortable being surrounded by the heavy air of Seattle. Then the world came crashing down on her as she remembered her day and everything that had happened and even a perfect Seattle rainy night couldn't help her. She collapsed on the closest bench and for the first time all day, Meredith let herself cry. She struggled to breathe through the tears and her chest heaved.

"Meredith?" Derek asked as he walked outside. He knew something wasn't right. He couldn't tell for sure but he knew she wasn't okay as she sat there.

She bit her lip and scrunched up her face. As if her day couldn't get worse Derek had to be the person to find her alone and crying in the rain.

"Meredith."

"Don't," she sobbed. Meredith had always been a quite crier and she doubted he realized she was crying until he heard her voice crack, "Please, please just don't say anything." She brought her hand up to her face and covers her mouth.

Derek's jaw dropped a little and he sucked in air, surprised. When he saw Meredith sitting outside, he didn't expect her to be crying, "Okay," he said. He didn't move though. He stood directly behind her, waiting for her to make the first move. What he wanted to do was to hold her, to let her cry into his shoulder, but he knew, after her rant in the scrub room, that it wasn't his place to do so. It broke his heart to listen to Meredith's sharp intakes of breath and sighs as she fought her tears. Derek adjusted his weight and looked around, trying to think of something to say or something to do to help her. He wanted to help. He wanted everything to be okay.

She stood up from the bench and walked towards the hospital doors, towards him. She stood face to face with him. Derek studied her face. Despite the blotchy cheeks, the red and puffy eyes, and the snotty nose, Derek found her beautiful. She was raw and she was hurting but she was beautiful.

Meredith can't stop herself as she started to speak, "I'm just exhausted. My mother is exhausting. What happened to Cristina," Tears gathered in her eyes again, threatening to fall as she finished speaking, "And you. Hating you is the most exhausting."

Before Derek really knew what was happening Meredith stepped forward and grabbed his face with both hands. She kissed him. It was a short kiss. He barely had time to put one hand on her waist before she was pulling away.

He acted without thinking. As she pulled away, Derek stepped forward and grabbed her by the waist gently, kissing her soundly. It wasn't like the kiss he shared with Addison earlier. He didn't feel conflicted he felt whole and hurting only because Meredith was hurting. They kept kissing, her hands on his face again, fingers curled in the hair at the nape of his neck, until she pulled away for air. He loosened his grip as Meredith stepped away.

"I don't want to do it anymore," She said through her tears as she reentered the hospital.

Derek stood outside and watched her leave. He felt like he was always watching her leave. He slowly lifted a hand to his lips and touched where she was just moments before. He stared blindly into the distance wondering what she didn't want to do anymore. He wasn't sure if she didn't want to be exhausted anymore or if she didn't want to struggle with him anymore. He hoped it wasn't the latter. He was sure the he loves her. He wasn't sure how he felt about Addison, though. To Derek, it felt like the world is tilted off of its axis.

Meredith herself wasn't sure what she meant. She just wanted the pain to stop.

Meredith felt like she was free falling. She was happy to be sitting with her friends waiting for Cristina to wake up. She was happy when she was kissing Derek. That's all she really knew. The things that made her happy are better than the things that didn't.


	7. Chapter 7: Comeback

**Disclaimer: Any recognizable characters, dialogue, or plotlines or not my property. They belong the Shonda Rhimes and the Grey's Anatomy team at ABC. This is not for profit, just something fun for me to write.**

 **A/N: Happy Wednesday, as always! Enjoy this next chapter! If you're liking this story you might want to read the one-shot I posted the other day which is an AU 12x09 if Derek was alive. Happy reading!**

* * *

 _When he returns he puts you in a situation  
But it's too late to have that kinda conversation  
It's not your job to show this boy some education, no  
Now ain't it funny how we never seem to work it out  
_Comeback – Ella Eyre

* * *

It was as if the universe enjoyed mocking her, Meredith thought. Just after defending her friend about how people like to keep feelings private, the king of withholding emotions walked into the Emerald City Bar. Meredith leaned forward and shielded her face in George's shadow. From her vantage point, Derek wouldn't be able to see her but she had a clear view of his spot at the corner of the bar. She blocked out Izzie and George's voices as they kept debating Cristina's personality. Pressing her cheek into her shoulder, Meredith focused on Derek. He hunched over his drink and his body language exuded anguish. Meredith's heart ached for him, but she wouldn't allow herself to admit to her feelings. Cristina might hide her emotions from the public, but Meredith tried to hide them from herself. She was in denial about the fact that she still loved Derek. Not full denial, because she knew she was still in love. But the type of denial where she believed, if she ignored the feelings, they would simply disappear.

Derek needed a drink and somebody to vent to. Back in New York before the cheating and the leaving he would talk to Mark but now he had nobody. He walked straight into the bar and had Joe pour him a drink. Beside him sat the least social doctor at Seattle Grace, Miranda Bailey, and Derek, with his talkative nature and thoughts burning a hole through his head, said "Meredith kissed me. Addison kissed me. My wife and my girlfriend kissed me on the same day." He ignored the sassy comment she made to Joe and their short exchange. Instead he was thinking about Meredith, how he wanted to talk to her, really talk, not have her rant or yell or remind him that he was married. He just wanted to talk to her, about anything. He loved talking to her. He wanted to do more than talk to her, as well. More than anything, he wanted Addison to leave. Once she was gone he could talk to Meredith, he could do more than talk.

"Everything's gonna be fine," He said trying to convince himself, "Addison will go back to New York," or so Derek hoped, "Meredith and I'll start over, everything's gonna be fine. Right?"

Bailey just shook her head at him, "You so damn stupid."

He agreed. He should have signed the divorce papers before he left. He should have explained to Meredith that first night, or on one of their dates, or that night at the trailer when he confessed about Addison. Instead everything got out of control and now he was grasping at straws. He just wanted everything to go back to normal. He missed normal. He missed Meredith.

* * *

Meredith stared at her ceiling and pressed her head further into her pillow. She had just hung up the phone after calling in sick. She needed a break. Part of her felt guilty, with her gone Bailey only had three interns following her around because Cristina was still a patient. But Meredith needed a break. If she went into work she was sure she would kiss him again and she couldn't. She wouldn't let herself. Meredith was so twisted up inside thinking about Derek.

Logically, she knew he trusted her. He did tell her about Addison. He tried to explain everything. He had been trying to talk to her despite every cold shoulder she had given him. But Meredith also knew that he was married and she couldn't interfere. It didn't matter if he was chasing her down, she wouldn't be involved with a married man. Yet, no matter how much she insisted she couldn't and wouldn't be with him, she kissed him two nights before. Meredith groaned and rolled over in bed.

She might not be ill, but she was definitely sick of her life. She needed the day off. She was glad she's taking it. She decided later, once she stopped thinking about Derek, which wasn't likely to happen, she was going to sit on the couch and eat a carton of her favorite strawberry ice cream while watching daytime soaps. She deserved the day off, she decided. She was going to enjoy it. She threw her blankets off her and headed into her ensuite bathroom to prepare a bubble bath. She deserved this.

Derek thought he needs a day off. He felt like he hadn't had a break in ages. His life seemed to be falling apart with Addison showing up and Meredith leaving him. He couldn't believe how awful his luck was, they were going to talk everything out and then Addison showed up. He was going to show Meredith the divorce papers and tell her that he loved her and then Addison showed up. His life was complicated and he needed a break. The only good parts of his day were when he saw Meredith. Which is why, when Bailey walked by him with only three frazzled interns he asked, "Where's Meredith?"

"That is none of your damn business, Dr. Shepherd," Bailey replied, not even looking at him as she continued to bustle down the hallway. Alex and George didn't even glance his way but Izzie spared him an apologizing stare before following her resident. He realized Meredith probably wasn't even in the building and he felt even more exhausted. Without her there, Derek felt the desire for a day off even more than before.

All yearning thoughts about Meredith are ripped from his mind when Addison approached him. Sliding his hands into the pocket of his lab coat, Derek said matter of factly "You really are Satan. You realize that right? If Satan were to take physical form, he'd be you. Everywhere, all the time."

He hair is in a messy bun on top of her head and as she leans against the wall, supporting herself with one hand, Addison looks tired, despite her aggravated stare, "I am so not Satan."

"How come you haven't got on your broomstick and gone back to New York, where you belong?" Derek reached under Addison's arm and pushed the button to call for the elevator. He hated being in her space but he was just praying for the elevator to arrive so he can be rid of her. It was futile to think pressing the button will bring the elevator to their floor any sooner, but he still hoped.

"Stop being petty," Addison sighed.

Derek snapped, "Stop being an adulterous bitch."

The elevator dinged, signaling it had finally reached them. Addison glanced back to see people exiting before deciding talking, or well arguing, with her husband was more important. "You know," she said, "You are going forgive me eventually, right? I mean you can't just ... I mean there was a time when you thought of me as your best friend?" Her tone sounded desperate, as if she was pleading for him to still care about her.

Derek looked directly in her eye and coldly said, "There was a time where I thought you were the love of my life. Things change."

Turning away from Derek, Addison pressed the button for the elevator again before rummaging through her bag. She whipped out a small stack of papers and handed them to Derek, not looking him in the eye. As he read over the first page she tried to maintain composure, but Addison felt like crying. She never thought her marriage would fall apart, she thought they would always be Addison and Derek.

"Divorce papers," His heart started pounding. This was real. He was about to be free.

Addison said, "Your lawyer said they're ok. I haven't signed them yet. The ball's in your court. If you sign, I'll sign. I'll sign and be on the first plane out of here."

Derek started shuffling through the pages and casually replied, "I'll sign them immediately. I want you out of here as soon as possible." He tried to ignore the heartbroken look on Addison's face.

She slowly entered the elevator before popping out to say one final thing to her husband, "Derek, have you ever thought that, even if I am Satan and an adulterous bitch, that I still might be the love of your life?"

He watched her as the doors slide shut and slowly blinked. He glanced down at the papers in his hand and suddenly they seem heavier than before. Derek nodded to himself. His heart seemed to clench. He had a decision to make and he just realized it might be harder than he expected.

* * *

"Liar!" Meredith yelled at her television screen as she took another large gulp of tequila. She wasn't even entirely sure what she was watching, some chick flick or soap opera that she stumbled across while flipping through channels. All she knew was that an attractive man was telling a pretty blonde that he loved her and she knew that couldn't be true. He was probably married or had some deep dark secret. In her drunken state, Meredith took it upon herself to try to warn the character not to fall for the charming man like she had.

Originally, Meredith was going to spend her day off "sick" relaxing and clearing her mind. About halfway through the day that plan changed when she cracked open a bottle of Jose Cuervo and started drinking. Her plan to clear her mind and eat ice cream turned into getting drunk and eating ice cream. She grimaced as she downs another gulp of tequila but quickly followed the drink with a scoop of ice cream.

She was emotionally exhausted and partially terrified to return to work the next day. Meredith was allowing herself to wallow as she sat on the ground, her back against her couch, and yelled at romantic comedies. Inside the hospital though, there was no room for her self-pity. She couldn't look at Derek without hurting. If she even thought about Addison, Meredith was consumed by jealousy and regret. If she was honest, which after drinking tequila she usually was, Meredith felt guilty. She felt like she should have known that Derek was married, that it should have been obvious. Instead of realizing that his secrecy pointed towards reality, Meredith ignored it and fell in love with him.

For a while the only sounds in the room are Meredith's soft breathing and the quiet tones of the T.V. but then the phone rings. Meredith scrambled over across the couch and as she answered, hope it isn't obvious that she's drunk.

"What do you mean my mother is missing?" Meredith asked, shocked.

In the fifteen minutes it took Meredith to call a cab and get to the hospital, Ellis was found and returned to her room. "I can't believe you lost my mother," She hissed at George.

"It was only for a few minutes," He mumbled an excuse before asking, "Hold on, Meredith, are you drunk?"

"It's my day off," Meredith defended herself.

George replied laughing a little, "No, you called in sick."

Meredith walked away then, deciding that if it was so obvious she's drunk it might be a good idea to sleep for a bit in an on-call room, despite not being on-call. When she woke up, about four hours later, Meredith felt better. Her head was no longer pounding and for the first time since Addison came back she felt like she is standing on solid ground. After a few moments, Meredith realized it was her pager that woke her up. All it said is help followed by Cristina's room number. She sprinted down the hallways and came tumbling into her best friend's room to find her sobbing hysterically. She stayed sitting beside Cristina after the sedatives kicked in, making sure her person wasn't alone.

A light knock on the door captured Meredith's attention. She looked up to see Derek, out of his scrubs and holding his briefcase, he gave her a small smile. He pointed at Cristina's sleeping form, to ask how she was. Meredith shrugged, unsure how he wanted her to answer.

"Do you want to get a drink?" He asked her.

Meredith nodded and stood up. As they left, she told a nearby nurse to let Cristina know that she'll be back in the morning. Walking out the hospital beside Derek, Meredith knew she is in denial. She was ignoring the fact that he's married. She was ignoring the fact that it was wrong. She was in denial. Instead of worrying, she walked with him into Joe's bar, smiling.

She confessed to him, "I'm glad we're doing this."

"Me too," He smiled at her, "Want a drink?"

As Meredith said, "Yes," she accidentally knocked over Derek's briefcase. She bent down to pick up some papers that spilled out. As she stood up, clutching the papers, her eyes inadvertently scanned over them. The first thing she noticed was that they're divorce papers. For a moment she was ecstatic. For once in her life, someone was choosing her. Then she noticed that the papers were unsigned. He hadn't made a decision. Meredith looked up at Derek, silently asking him to explain. His only answer was a half-smile, it seemed like he was in denial, too.

* * *

 **I know this chapter is a little shorter than the previous two, but big things are coming soon!**


	8. Chapter 8: Take a Bow

**Disclaimer: Any recognizable characters, dialogue, or plotlines or not my property. They belong the Shonda Rhimes and the Grey's Anatomy team at ABC. This is not for profit, just something fun for me to write.**

 **A/N: I am so sorry for the delay for this chapter! The past few weeks have been really rough on me for personal reasons but I want to let you know this story is not forgotten!**

* * *

 _Don't tell me you're sorry cause you're not  
_ _Baby when I know you're only sorry you got caught  
_ _But you put on quite a show  
_ _You really had me goin'  
_ _Take A Bow Lyrics_ –Rihanna

* * *

Meredith looked between the unsigned divorce papers she was still holding and Derek a few times before demanding, "Drive me home." Before Derek could react Meredith was storming out of the bar as she pulled her jacket on. He chased after her without bothering to organize his things, his coat, briefcase, and divorce papers were hazardously piled in his arms. When he caught up to Meredith, right outside his car, Derek was such a mess that everything spilled from his arms. He squatted down in the middle of the parking lot and he started rambling an explanation as to why the papers that he just dropped twice were unsigned.

"You don't get to explain," Meredith said angrily, "I am so sick of you asking me to let you explain. I've let you explain so much. But that's all you've done. You use words but then you don't act! I don't want to hear it, Derek."

He unlocked the doors to the car and slid in the driver seat and she followed course into the passenger seat. She purposely angled her body away from him and crossed her arms against her chest, "Just take me home," Meredith said, when Derek turned to her instead of starting the car, trying to talk again she became more aggressive and snapped, "Now."

The entire car ride to Meredith's house was filled with her telling Derek not to explain and him trying to. She was tired of it. Tired of him seeming perfect and then letting her down. He was tired of it. Tired of having to choose and tired of having to explain. When he pulled into the driveway, Meredith was opening the door before he reached a full stop. It was raining as it always seems to be in Seattle but Derek didn't bother to put his coat on. He followed Meredith up the front walkway, pleading with her.

"I don't want to have this conversation again," She said, refusing to look him in the eye.

He pleaded, "Meredith."

She swung her front door open so abruptly and strongly that it nearly hit Derek in the face. Still not looking at him she told him, "You didn't sign the divorce papers. Fine. I get it. End of discussion."

As they walked into the house and he said her name again, Meredith had reached her limit. She didn't want to do it anymore. She didn't want to be strung on by him and she didn't want to let him string her along. "What," She yelled, it was the angriest he had ever heard her and considering the arguing that had taken place since he told her about Addison, he had heard her be incredibly angry.

He froze and stared at her in shock. Derek's mouth hung open in a small "o" and he looked remarkably like a deer in the headlights of a car, "Oh," He said slowly as he tried to gather his thoughts, "I usually just say "Meredith" and then you yell at me. I haven't thought past that point," He looked ashamed as he spoke because he really was. He wished he had an explanation but through all his rambling to Meredith in the car he really had no answer. Meredith clenched her jaw and glared at him. For a split second she thought she could kill him and jail would be worth it. Derek thought that he was an idiot, the one thought he and Meredith shared as he said, "I actually didn't have anything planned."

Without thinking, Meredith started hitting him. She yelled, "Seriously," as she whacked him with her purse and forced him out the door. Derek's shocked by her actions and the next thing he knew the door was closed. He stood out front for a few minutes, hoping she would come back. Meredith immediately marched away from the door, up the stairs, and straight into George's room. "Seriously," she said, as she flopped down on the bed. George ended up sandwiched between both Meredith and Izzie as they complained about their boy problems.

Meredith didn't understand how he was so brainless. How he could beg for her to listen and then not have an explanation. She couldn't believe that she kept trusting him even though every time before he had let her down. She can't believe he hadn't signed the divorce papers. All those thoughts ran through Meredith's mind as she laid next to George.

Derek didn't understand how he was so brainless. How he couldn't decide what to do. He couldn't believe that he had the divorce papers. He couldn't believe that he wanted to sign divorce papers. He couldn't understand what was stopping him from signing the divorce papers. He knew he kept letting her down but he knew if he let her go he'd be letting himself down. But then Addison's words from that morning hit him and he wondered if he still loved her. He couldn't believe the mess his life had become. All those thoughts ran through Derek's mind as he sat in his car, stalling for time in hopes that Meredith would come outside and talk to him. After nearly half an hour of sitting in her driveway, he started up his car and drove away.

* * *

Meredith wished she did more damage to Derek the night before when she was hitting him. Despite everything, he had the audacity to ask for her as his intern. After rounds she did the best she could to avoid him. Her plan was to spend as little time with him as possible. She didn't want to be an influence on him signing the papers. She didn't even want to be near him at all.

Derek wished Meredith would look at him. He knew she was avoiding him. He knew when he came into work that she would try to avoid him, which was why he requested for her to be his intern. He wanted to be near her. Despite his conflicted feelings over what to do with the papers that seem to be burning a hole through his briefcase, he wanted to be near her.

When Derek bumped into Meredith in the hall he was thrilled. When Meredith bumped into Derek in the hall she wanted to scream.

"Meredith," He said. When she started speaking, he was relieved that she was even looking at him. But then she mentioned Addison. He sighed and told her, "Oh, my God, this is hard for me, Meredith." He just wanted her to understand that committing to a divorce was a tough conclusion. It was admitting that the past eleven years of his life were a failure. It was breaking vows that were supposed to be forever. He wanted her to understand that he cared about her but this might be the hardest decision of his life. Proposing was easy, divorcing was hard.

Meredith tried to keep her voice level as she spoke. She tried to sound convicted to her own words but she was trying to convince herself as much as she was him, "Well, let me make it easy then. I'm not gonna be that woman," Derek's heart plummeted as he listened to Meredith speak, "The one who breaks up a marriage or begs you to want me. You can sign the papers or you cannot. The choice is yours" She knew as she said the next words she was lying, "Either way, when it comes to this relationship, I'm out." She was trying to convince herself she's out. She wanted to be out. But she wasn't sure if she really was out. What Meredith was sure of was that she could not break up a marriage and she could not be a dirty mistress. She wouldn't let herself become those things. So she was trying to leave Derek.

Derek waited a moment after Meredith started walking towards the patient. He didn't know how he felt in that moment. He wished it was all easier. He wished Meredith understood.

* * *

She followed him into the stairwell, still discussing their patient. Meredith really felt for the girl who was suffering from an operable tumor but had a father unwilling to allow the surgery. She found it absurd that a parent would be against a surgery with a 95% recovery rate. She also didn't understand why the patient, Anna, who was over 18 and in charge of her own medical decisions wouldn't go forward without her father's permission. Despite the ridiculous nature of the situation, in her opinion, Meredith was empathetic towards Anna. She was just a sweet girl from a family with strong beliefs. It was when Derek started talking about previous cases, just as conversation and not having an impact on the case that Meredith stopped him. He wasn't making her stance on their relationship easy. She didn't understand why he wouldn't just leave her alone and go back to his wife. She told him she was out and yet he was still trying to make her understand.

Derek was ignoring the fact that Meredith said she was out. Because he was still in, or so he thought. He wasn't sure. He had to choose and it was hard on him. He just wanted Meredith to understand that he was struggling because he cared about her.

"Look," Derek said, "I was married for 11 years. Addison is my family. That is 11 Thanksgivings, 11 birthdays and 11 Christmases," He couldn't imagine a world without a twelfth of all of those events but he could also imagine a world with a first of them with Meredith, "And in one day, I'm supposed to sign a piece of paper and end my family?" Derek realized his tone must sound harsh to Meredith, he realized that he was being harsh, but he kept talking, "A person doesn't do that. Not without a little hesitation. I'm entitled to a little uncertainty here!" He started yelling, he was taking his stress out on Meredith and he knew it was wrong, but again he kept talking, "At least a moment to understand the magnitude to what it means to cut somebody out of my life. I'm entitled to a least one moment," The door to the stairwell opened, startling both of them. Derek lowered his voice in an attempt to stop the hospital gossip mill from catching wind of their conversation, "of painful doubt. And a little understanding from you would be nice."

He walked away, almost in tears, and Meredith watched him go. Meredith didn't know how she felt. She didn't comprehend how he expected her to empathize with him. He was deciding whether or not to be with her and he expected her to support his struggle. She didn't want to support him, she wanted the decision to be easy. She didn't want him to have painful doubt, she wanted him to choose her. After his rant, Meredith was a little mad. She couldn't believe that he asked her to understand how he felt when he might very well break up with her for his wife.

Derek knew he was being unreasonable by asking her to understand but he also knew she's the only person he could talk to, the only person he wanted to talk to. He wanted her to understand because if it was any other situation he would be asking for her advice, but he couldn't, so he yelled at her. He ran a hand through his hair and sighed loudly. He was stuck between a rock and a hard place and it seemed like there was no way out, no right choice.

* * *

Every conversation between Meredith and Derek that day had been tense and awkward. Because they were working on the same case, they had to talk a lot. For the most part, Meredith avoided eye contact all day. It wasn't until they were watching the healing ritual that Meredith allowed herself to really think about him. They were just standing side by side, watching the shaman chant and move around a candle. She wondered if the candles were even allowed by code in the hospital but ignored it, for the sake of their patient.

He asked her, "How long do you think it takes to retrieve a lost soul?"

Meredith looked at him. Only for a moment but it was the first time all day she allowed herself to. Ever since he told her about Addison, Meredith felt like she was missing part of her soul. She had said hating him was exhausting and it was so true. Being apart from him, being mad at him, doing anything other than loving him felt like she was missing part of her soul. He asked her how long it took to retrieve a lost soul and all she could do is reply, "I don't know." But standing next to him, comfortable, Meredith thought she did know. She thought if she let him in she would be herself again and in a sense, have her soul back. It took as long as it did for her to come to terms, to forgive, to fall in love.

Anna had told her that she would know the moment the soul returned to her body. Meredith knew when it happened, when Anna looked up at her and their eyes met. She knew she didn't believe in the soul returning, but Anna seemed to react and she seemed whole. Meredith blinked a couple of times, trying to block away tears. Anna said she would know the moment the soul returned and Meredith thought she knew how to return her own.

* * *

Meredith's mind was spinning. The surgery went well. The surgery went really well. She could stop herself then and end the day on a light note. Instead she re-entered the scrub room, alone with Derek. It was the first time since he told her about Addison and tried to explain that she chose to be alone with him. At Joe's they had been surrounded by people, they were far from alone. Standing in the scrub room it was as if Meredith and Derek were the only two people in the world Despite her better judgement, Meredith started talking.

"I lied. I'm not out," Derek was confused when she started talking, she hadn't initiated conversation in days and he didn't know what to expect when Meredith walked up to him, he leaned against the sink and felt his heart flutter a little as Meredith entered his space, "of this relationship. I'm in. I'm so in, it's humiliating because here I am begging," She had promised herself she wouldn't do beg. She wasn't going to beg; she wasn't going to be a home ruiner. But, whether or not she believed in missing souls, Meredith believed in him. She believed with him she felt happier and fuller. She couldn't just let him walk away. If Anna's faith was right and there are other souls, Meredith thought Derek might be hers.

"Meredith," He started, trying to cut her off.

"Shut up," She was doing everything in her power to keep from crying and if he spoke the dam would break and tears would be everywhere, "You say Meredith and I yell, remember?"

He sighed, "Yeah."

Meredith Grey had never been one for romance. She had never been one for big displays of love and romantic gestures. Up until Derek, Meredith never had a person to be romantic with. She had always been private and always kept men at an arm's length. Yet she found herself standing in an empty scrub room pouring her heart out to a married man because Derek managed to tear down all her walls. "Ok, here it is. Your choice. It's simple," her voice caught in her throat a little but she kept talking, "Her or me. And I'm sure she's really great. But, Derek... I love you," never in her life had Meredith told a man she loved him. She couldn't believe she's saying this. She couldn't believe she was begging. She was terrified. But she knew that she's in love, she had accepted it and now she needed to let him know, "in a really, really big ... "pretend to like your taste in music, let you eat the last piece of cheesecake, hold a radio over my head outside your window"...unfortunate way that makes me hate you, love you. So pick me. Choose me. Love me." When she stopped talking Meredith thought her heart might leap out of her chest it was beating so frantically. The way Derek was looking at her was terrifying, with a soft resigned look. She knew he hadn't made a decision yet but she was absolutely terrified he wouldn't choose her. They held eye contact for a few seconds but it felt like an eternity to Meredith. In his eyes she could see her future, a future she never knew she could want filled with children and a house and a husband.

Desperately, Meredith took a deep breath and told him, "I'll be at Joe's tonight," He stood up but Meredith took a quick step back. She just declared her love for him. He could make a rash decision that he would live to regret. Meredith wouldn't let him. She was giving him time, "So if you do decide to sign the papers, meet me there." Walking away from the scrub room might be one of the hardest things Meredith had ever done. She had no idea what was going to happen. The ball was in his court.

Derek watched her leave before sighing. He brought his hands to his head and paced the room. He didn't know how he could choose. He was terrified he would make the wrong decision; he was terrified that he was going to ruin his life. But despite his fears, he knew Meredith loved him and that made him want to sing. That had to mean something, he thought.

He spent the rest of the night thinking, trying to figure it out. Bailey's words were what spurred him into action. She told him, "It's not hard. It's painful but it's not hard. You know what to do already. If you didn't you wouldn't be in this much pain." Derek stood up after she walked away to her husband. He started pacing across the lobby. He didn't know Bailey was married. She was happily married for ten years. Derek thought about Addison. They weren't happy on their tenth anniversary. They weren't happy on their eleventh anniversary. Who was to say they would be happy on their twelfth anniversary. But they had so many happy years. He spent eleven birthdays and Christmases and anniversaries married to her and while some of them were lonely and unhappy, some of them were the best times of his life. He thought about Meredith. There hadn't been anniversaries. There was no basis, no experience, no foundation for their relationship. They didn't have a history, they had a night at a bar and a feeling in his chest that could drive him mad. He had no way to know if they would be happy. He had no way of knowing with either of them. He thought he might love them both but he thought he knew who might be the love of his life. It was painful, Derek thought. But it wasn't hard. He knew who he should choose and he knew who he wanted to choose. Unfortunately, they weren't the same woman. He stopped pacing, put his hands in his pockets, and Derek left the lobby.

He wanted to choose her. He loved her. But she was his wife and he had to try.

Derek had made his decision.


	9. Chapter 9: The One

**Disclaimer: Any recognizable characters, dialogue, or plotlines or not my property. They belong the Shonda Rhimes and the Grey's Anatomy team at ABC. This is not for profit, just something fun for me to write.**

 **A/N: Because of the delayed update for the most recent chapter I decided to post this one ahead of schedule! More so, I've been getting a lot of comments about this fic following the plot of the show but that ends here! And I promise you all this is a MerDer fic! Have hope! Additionally, I'm going to be ending this fic sooner than planned, due to the stress and work load of college. However, I will still be writing shorter fics periodically.**

* * *

 _They say that love is contagious,  
_ _But I don't know about that.  
_ _Cause broken hearts are the easiest part to give back.  
_ _So can we take a moment and stop?  
_ _The One_ –Jukebox the Ghost

* * *

Meredith continued waiting at the bar. She had been downing shots of tequila ever since she left Derek in the scrub room. She couldn't believe she actually did that. She made a declaration of love, she begged him to be with her. She felt like an idiot. Despite hating herself for what she had done, every time the bell chimed and the door swung open Meredith turned around smiling, hoping it was him. Every time it wasn't him and she would turn back to the bar, defeated. The door opened again and when it wasn't Derek, Meredith turned to Joe.

"I actually said pick me," Meredith said, "Right? I did? Pick me?" She was an idiot. There was no way he was going to pick her and she had just dug herself into a hole of embarrassment.

Joe smiled at her, "I think it's romantic."

Meredith is frazzled and hurting and confused. She shook her head and told him, "It's not romantic, Joe, it's horrifying. Horror movie horrifying," or more like romantic comedy horrifying seeing as her life was a joke, "Carrie at the prom with the pig's blood horrifying."

Still amused Joe replied, "Ok, fine, it's horrifying. But Carrie took out an entire senior class as revenge. Gotta say, I like that in a girl." Joe thought Meredith was over reacting. He saw them meet, he has watched them fall in love. If there is such thing as soul mates, Joe believed that it is Derek and Meredith. She could have said anything to him and Derek would show up at that bar for her. Joe was smiling and joking with Meredith because he was sure that Derek is going to come.

"I said pick me!" Meredith said, angrily. She was mad at herself. She will never live this down. He's going to choose Addison and she's going to left alone with the words 'pick me' haunting her for the rest of her life. She heard her friends talking about her. She couldn't believe she had been sitting at the bar, in the seat she was in the night they met, for over an hour.

"Who's pathetic?" She snapped at Cristina. She's pathetic. Meredith knows she's pathetic. She should leave and end the misery herself but she can't because there's still a chance. She still can't believe she said pick me. Meredith knew she was drunk when she started rambling at her friends but it's a stress relief for her, to shame them. "You," Meredith started, "who pretend to be my friends are calling me pathetic behind my back in front of my face," George responded by pointing at Cristina in order to place the blame on her, "Why don't you just dump the pig's blood on me now and get it over with?" In her anger, Meredith accidentally knocked over some peanuts off the table. As she looked down at them, the door chimed again. She quickly spun around only to see nurse Tyler and be met with disappointment for the umpteenth time that night.

Meredith slumped a little in her seat and whispered drunkenly to herself, "He's really not coming."

Before Meredith can process the fact that Derek didn't pick her, every pager, including her own, begins beeping. Someone called for Joe to turn up the T.V. Meredith looked up to see the news report broadcasting a massive train crash. It seemed fitting to Meredith, as she stood to leave for Seattle Grace, seeing as her life was also a train wreck.

Twenty minutes later, Joe looked up from wiping down the bar as the door opened for a patron. Standing in the door frame was a desperate Derek. His eyes darted around the bar searching for Meredith but he found Joe's Bar to be unusually empty.

"Dude," Joe said to him, "You're late." Derek's heart pounded in his chest. He couldn't be late. He had made his decision.

"Where is she?" Derek barked.

"The hospital," Joe replied, "Just like everyone else."

Without replying, Derek darted out of the door.

* * *

The last time Meredith was this drunk, she had sex with Derek in his car. Because of her inebriation, Meredith was instructed by Bailey to stay out of the way. Meredith ended up leaning against the wall, watching her friends be assigned cool surgeries while her body all too slowly processed the tequila she had downed earlier.

Nurse Tyler burst Meredith's surgery envy when he told her a message from Joe. He said McSteamy was looking for her. Meredith assumed he meant McDreamy. Derek went to the bar. As Tyler walked away the door to the ER swung open to reveal Derek. Meredith's eyes locked on him. She watched as his clear blue eyes gave the ER a once over before they focused on her. He smiled a little and Meredith swore her blood pressure shot through the roof. He turned away as a nurse called for him to help with a patient. All Meredith could do was watch him get to work.

Her mind was whirring as quickly as it could through the alcohol daze it was in. She had so many questions. If he went to the bar did it mean he picked her, she wondered. If he went to the bar to pick her, why would it take so long, she wondered. What if he went to the bar to tell her no, she wondered? Instead of getting answers, Meredith had to stay out of the way.

Through the chaos, George whispered to Cristina the question that was on the mind of every person up to date on SGH gossip, "Does that mean he picked her?"

The next time Meredith saw Derek was when Bailey called her interns to the scan room. Lining every screen in the x-ray observation room were scans from all angles of Bonnie and Tom. Meredith had been trailing after Bailey as she sobered up. She was leaning against the pole holding her banana bag. Meredith felt a little guilty, for considering the night a terrible one for her, seeing as Bonnie and Tom were skewered together by a pole that was going straight through her spine. Yet when Derek came in, Meredith thought having a pole going through her spine and crushing her T8 would be less painful.

He looked her up and down before asking, "What happened?"

"Uh," She really didn't want to answer him, "Tequila."

He nodded a little and moved forward into the room to work with the other doctors. Meredith watched him move through the room. As much as she wanted to pull her eyes away from him and look anywhere else, she couldn't bring herself to do it. It was as if he were a magnet and her gaze was drawn to him. Judging by the fact that Derek, who never got distracted from a patient, glanced up to her a few times as Burke spoke, Meredith assumed he felt the same pull. She just didn't know if it meant he chose her or not.

* * *

Derek knew that his would most likely be one of the most difficult surgeries of his life. Not because the actual mechanics of the surgery were difficult but because his actions were, in some tragic way, a death sentence for the sweet woman sitting on the operating table in front of him.

She had been so calm and composed through the ordeal. She was telling jokes and she was trying to be happy. Derek wasn't surprised when Bonnie asked him to tell her fiancé a final message. He was surprised by how much her words resonated with him. After she whispered in his ear her final thoughts, Derek saw Meredith walk into the scrub room.

If love were enough. For Bonnie love wasn't enough. But looking at Meredith standing in the scrub room, Derek thought maybe love could be enough.

* * *

She didn't expect him to leave the OR and return to the scrub room. Meredith just wanted to scrub in and watch the surgery. Derek always seemed to have a knack for turning Meredith's plans upside down. She had planned on scrubbing in, scrubbing out, and going home to get drunk. At this point, after an entire night of dancing around each other, making eye contact but not speaking, she had assumed he picked Addison. He had to have. Nobody would pick little dark and twisty Meredith Grey.

As George left the scrub room, Derek and Meredith looked at each other. She tried to sound casual as she said, "Hey."

"Hi," He said as he put on his mask. Derek smiled at her and Meredith couldn't tell if that was good or not. She had no idea what was going to happen next and she was terrified. For a moment they're both quiet. His half smile stayed spread across his lips as he finished tying his mask. Meredith looked away as she felt her cheeks grow warm, she was blushing because of the overwhelming sense of embarrassment that came from standing there not knowing what he was going to say. Derek nervously cleared his throat and said "You know, uh, I went to the bar."

"I heard," Meredith said.

Derek nodded and turned away as he bit his lip. He stared through the scrub room window into the OR. As she waited for him to keep speaking, Meredith held her breath. No matter what he said next, Meredith's world was about to change.

Instead of telling her his decision, Derek kept getting ready for the surgery and asked her, "You take some aspirin with the banana bag? Helps with the hangover." He looked down at the sink just as Meredith looked up. He was keeping his eyes away from her, not making eye contact or even looking in her direction. It was as if he was pretending he was alone in the scrub room. Realization washed over her and she turned to face Derek.

"Oh," She said. She captured Derek's attention and his head snapped towards her, "You're staying with her."

Derek dropped the package of soap he was holding and spun out so he and Meredith were face to face, "No," He said instantly, "I'm not," He replied, a small smile spread on his face as he continued to speak, "I'm picking you. I'm choosing you. I'm loving you," Meredith stared at him in utter shock, she had expected him to pick Addison, she had all but come to terms in it as time crept past her in the bar, "This just," Derek sighed, "This isn't how I wanted to tell you. Meredith, I-" Derek didn't get a chance to finish what he was saying. A nurse called for him because Bonnie was crashing. He turned away from Meredith and hurried into the OR.

Meredith watched as the doors closed behind him before sighing. She looked down at the sink and tried to catch her breath. Tears threatened to leak from her eyes and she scrubbed at her hands more vigorously. As she scrubbed, a small smile started to grow. She couldn't believe it. He had actually picked her. She didn't have time to process his decision as she followed him into the OR. Meredith stood in the back as they slid Bonnie off the pole and began surgery. Dr. Bailey called her up to hold a retractor on Bonnie. She stood shoulder to shoulder with Derek as he worked on the patient's spine. The mess of emotions and thoughts Meredith was feeling toward Derek slipped away as she got lost in the beauty of surgery.

Everything in the OR went wrong in an instant. Derek and Dr. Burke both left Bonnie open on the table as they hurried across the room to Tom, who was crashing. Meredith continued holding the retractor in shock as everyone left her side. As the other doctors were changing gloves, Meredith cried out, "What about her? We can't just abandon her," Nobody reacted to her and she yelled again, "We can't just abandon her!" Meredith was left alone standing over Bonnie. She had studied and worked to be a surgeon, to save lives, not to leave a young girl with a bright future open on a table to die. As everyone else in the OR focused on Tom, Meredith began pumping Bonnie's heart with her hand.

Bailey and George both called her over, telling her to leave Bonnie alone to die. Meredith ignored them and continued manually pumping her patient's heart. She couldn't bring herself to stop, "What about her," Meredith screamed, "We cannot just abandon her! We have an obligation!" An obligation, Meredith thought. Derek had an obligation to his wife, and her to him. Yet he was choosing her. But surgeons shouldn't get that luxury, they need to keep their obligations. Meredith couldn't leave Bonnie's side, she had vowed to help patients and Bonnie needed her. Derek looked up at her but he couldn't go over to her. Just as Meredith was demanding they work on Bonnie, he had to continue working on Tom.

Unamused, Bailey handed her surgical tools to a scrub nurse and walked to Meredith's side. She said to her intern, "Meredith, come on," She used her elbow to try to nudge Meredith away from the heart she was pumping, "There was too much damage. There was never anything we could do. We have to let her go." Bailey pulled Meredith's arms out of Bonnie's chest. Derek looked up toward her again, a pleading look in his eyes, before continuing his own surgery. Slowly, Meredith backed away from her patient and dropped her hands. Her attending called time of death and she was left stunned, standing beside a dead girl who only minutes ago was telling jokes. Meredith started to breathe heavily. She felt a pressure in her chest. It didn't make sense. It wasn't fair. She doesn't go over to assist in Tom's surgery, she remained beside Bonnie feeling despondent. All Meredith heard was the steady and single beep of Bonnie's heart monitor indicating that the muscle had stopped, despite the chaos that was taking place across the room.

* * *

After the surgery Meredith didn't have a chance to talk to Derek. When she realized that there was nothing more she could do for Bonnie, Meredith scrubbed out as everyone else continued working. She wandered through the hospital hallways, her mind adrift in the events of the day. She still had yet to process the fact that Derek had chosen her. People never chose her. Meredith's mother chose work. Meredith's father chose to leave. Nobody chose Meredith. Yet Derek had. Despite the elation Meredith felt, the fact that the man she loved had chosen her, she also felt an overwhelming sense of guilt. She had ended a marriage. Because of her Addison and Derek were getting divorced. Because of her, the man Addison loved didn't choose her.

When Tom's surgery ended, Meredith got a page calling her to the lobby. She stood beside George as Bonnie's fiancé was told what happened. He looked stunned, as any person would in the scenario. Meredith felt a little sick to her stomach as she looked at the fiancé's pained expression. Derek was hunched over leaning towards him. She heard the words get stuck in Derek's throat as he told the man Bonnie's final message to him, "She asked me ah to," The only other time Meredith had seen Derek struggle so much for words was when he told her about Addison, "tell you that ... she wanted you to know, that if love were enough," He sucked in a large breath as he finished, "that if love were enough that she'd still be here with you." Meredith turned her head away but remained leaning against the nurse's station counter. She stayed as Derek sat with the fiancé. After such a difficult case, Meredith knew he wouldn't leave the fiancé's side until the loved one was ready for him to do so. She stayed until Derek stood up. When he looked at her, she turned away. She was on her way to the intern locker room when he caught up with her.

One hand grabbed her arm and another laced around her waist as Derek gently guided her into the nearby medical supply room. He faced her and held her by the upper arms. As Meredith looked up into his eyes, she started to cry. Sobs wracked her entire body and he pulled her into his chest. She clung to his scrub shirt as she cried. Her tears were for relief because he had chosen her. Her tears were for Bonnie because she was abandoned. Her tears were for the fiancé because love wasn't enough. Her tears were for herself because for once, for Meredith Grey, love was enough.

They stood in the closet for minutes as Meredith cried. Derek didn't say anything, he just pressed kisses into her hairline and held her. When the shaking subsided, Meredith pulled away and looked at him. She felt like a mess, just recently sober with puffy eyes and an aching heart. She couldn't comprehend why he was looking at her like she was the sun. Delicately, Derek cupped her cheek with his hand. He smiled at her as he rubbed his thumb across her face soothingly. Sniffling slightly, Meredith smiled back at him.

She then sighed and said, "You don't have to do this," She looked deep into his eyes. Eyes so blue she felt like she could get lost in them, "I mean, if you realize you made the wrong decision you can go right now and I won't hold it against you." She was giving him an out.

He smiled at her and shook his head as if what she said was funny. Derek dipped his head down and kissed her. "Meredith," He said when he pulled away, "I do have to do this. I almost didn't do this. I almost chose wrong. But then I thought, love should be enough. I shouldn't be obligated to choose her if I love you. Meredith, I have to do this because I love you," She bit her lip trying to suppress the grin that was starting to grow, "I didn't want to talk to you in the scrub room because there I wouldn't be able to do this," He pulled her fully into his arms, pressing their chests tightly together as he kissed her again. This kiss wasn't like the one they had shared moments before. The kiss before was affirming and proving love. It was gentle and promising. This kiss was passionate. It made Meredith's toes curl and it made butterflies swarm in her stomach. She broke this kiss this time and tore her head away, looking down.

"I have to go to rounds," She told him as a heavy blush spread across her cheeks. Before opening the door, Meredith turned to look at him, a radiant smile lighting the room, "I'll see you later?" She asked.

Derek smiled at her and laughed before taking a few large strides towards her. He kissed her against the door, one last moment before the new day began, one last moment just the two of them, in love.


	10. Chapter 10: First Day of My Life

**Disclaimer: Any recognizable characters, dialogue, or plotlines or not my property. They belong the Shonda Rhimes and the Grey's Anatomy team at ABC. This is not for profit, just something fun for me to write.**

* * *

 _And so I thought I'd let you know  
_ _That these things take forever  
_ _I especially am slow  
_ _But I realized that I need you  
_ _First Day of My Life_ –Bright Eyes

* * *

Despite the exhaustion and the emergency forty-eight-hour shift caused by the train wreck, Meredith felt practically giddy. During her lunch break she had been sitting with George and Cristina telling each other stupid stories from college when someone came up behind her and put a hand on her shoulder. She spun around to see Derek smiling at her.

"Come with me," He said, "I have something to show you."

Meredith's grin grew wider and she stood up to follow him. He led her out of the cafeteria and into the exact stairwell they stood in and argued in during her first shift at the hospital. His grin was a thousand watts and never had the title McDreamy seemed more fitting. Without warning he kissed her, pushing her so her back arched on the railing. Meredith smiled into the kiss and she ran her hands up and down his back. "Derek," She half moaned, "Is this the place to be doing this," He moved his mouth down her neck, sucking a little at her clavicle causing her to actually moan, "This," He moved his ministrations up her neck and towards her ear, kissing every inch of her skin that his lips could reach, "Isn't showing me," Meredith moaned one last time as he pulled away, "something."

He smiled at her and Meredith knew she must look utterly wrecked. Derek said, "Would you rather I was showing you something," He was close to her, standing between her legs.

"No," Meredith breathed.

"Well, I hate to disappoint then," Derek laughed, "But I thought you would want to see this." He pulled from his scrub pants pocket a roll of papers. Smoothing them out he pointed at the bottom of the page, "There," He showed her, "Is my signature," Moving his finger down he continued, "And this is Addison's signature."

Meredith grinned, "You signed the papers?"

"I signed the papers," He replied. Wrapping his arms around her, Derek picked her up and spun her around. The papers were signed. He was free to be with Meredith. Addison was leaving. All they had to do was meet with the lawyer and finalize everything. It all felt right. He knew as he and Meredith laughed in the stairwell and celebrated that he had made the right choice. He couldn't imagine being happy with Addison if he had picked her over Meredith. But with Meredith he felt so happy he imagined, if he tried, he would be able to fly.

* * *

That night Meredith's shift ended later than usual at just around nine. Despite the fact that his shift ended three hours earlier, Derek was there to take Meredith home. He met her in the lobby and gave her a kiss on the cheek as they walked out. Just as they were leaving, a voice called both of their names. They both looked over their shoulder to see Addison walking towards them. Meredith was terrified that there was going to be a confrontation, that a fight would ensue. Instead of arguing, the conversation that took place was incredibly civilized.

"I wanted you to know before the hospital gossip chain spread it around. I wanted you to hear it straight from me," Addison said to Derek, not glancing towards Meredith, "Richard offered me a job here and I decided to spend some more time in Seattle. We'll be working together," Addison paused as if the right words to finish her sentence were yet to be created, "But I won't...get in your way."

Derek nodded and he felt Meredith's grip tighten its clutch on his forearm. Addison wished them both a goodnight as she turned around to go back into the hospital to continue her overnight shift. Slowly, Derek and Meredith continued to his car. Their arms were linked together but Meredith clung so tightly it was as if she feared, should she left go, she would fall away.

He gave her a reassuring smile, "It's okay, Mer. I picked you. That's not going to change." Meredith nodded, but didn't say anything as he kissed her forehead before climbing into the driver's seat. She climbed into the passenger seat but fidgeted nervously. Every cell in Meredith's body was screaming that Addison staying would only end in disaster. She felt like running. But then Derek slipped his free hand into hers. He grounded her. She was silent as he sang along poorly to the Clash CD he had playing to the car but with each second that passed she became a little more certain that everything would be okay. He had been honest with her, letting her know that he almost picked Addison, but he hadn't. Derek put her first, like nobody had before, and Meredith, despite her instincts, trusted him.

When they pulled into Meredith's driveway they both sat in the parked car for a few minutes. After what felt like an eternity Derek turned to her and gave her a tender smile as he said, "We should probably talk." Meredith nodded and they both climbed out of the car. He held her hand as they walked into the house and upstairs to her room. Letting go of him, Meredith sat on the edge of her bed, sitting cross-legged. Derek moved to sit next to her, he leaned back on his arms and looked her in the eye. They were quiet for a moment, just happy to be together.

The silence was broken when Meredith asked, "You picked me...but, why?"

Derek became serious as he sat up, taking both her hands into his. He didn't smile as he spoke but his eyes were shining with joy and love, "Because I knew what it was like to be without you. After I told you about Addison and you avoided me and yelled at me for an entire day, I felt lost. Like part of me was missing. The days where you wouldn't talk to me were some of the worst of my life. I realized that being without you hurts more than anything," Derek continued, a small smile itching at the corner of his lips, "Without her," In that moment, where it was just the two of them, Derek didn't want to say Addison's name again, "I was able to be happy. Without you I was just miserable." He wanted to keep talking, to tell her how sorry he was that he put her through the ringer. He wanted to make it clear that he loved her. He wanted to let her know that Addison staying wasn't going to change his decision. He wanted her to know love was enough. He didn't get a chance to say any of those things until later that night because at that moment Meredith dropped his hands and brought both of hers to his face, pulling him into a hungry kiss. In response he wrapped his arms around her torso and they both fell back onto the bed. Meredith released his face, her hands going to the top button of his shirt as they continued kissing. From that point, there wasn't much conversation until later in the night.

* * *

Meredith woke up the same way she had every morning for the past week, wrapped in Derek's arms. She had woken up before her alarm clock and was thankful for the time that she had just to appreciate the moment. Derek was still asleep; his warm breath was tickling the back of her neck. Without waking him, Meredith rolled over so she was facing him pressed her cheek against his chest. Like every morning that week, Meredith woke up feeling safe, loved, and content. When the beeping of the alarm clock jolted Derek awake a few minutes later, she grinned into the morning kiss, despite his terrible morning breath. They went through their routine together, standing side by side as they brushed their teeth, Meredith brewing coffee while Derek put together their breakfast. Looking at the time Meredith joked that they were running late and would need to share the shower if they wanted to get into the hospital on time. They ended up spending more time in the shower together than they would have if they had showered by themselves. He drove them to work, laughing that Meredith's driving made him fear for his life. She huffed, but smiled despite it, still holding his hand.

When they entered the hospital for the day, they shared a quick kiss goodbye before he went to the attendings' lounge and Meredith went to the intern locker room. She was smiling as she walked in. The past week had been one of the best of her life. That very day Derek was going to be finalizing the divorce. She was on cloud nine, feeling euphoric, and still on a high from the fact that Derek chose her. He loved her. Meredith couldn't remember ever being as happy as she was that week. Her mood dampened a little as she prepared for work. On the other side of the wall of lockers a group of interns were gossiping about her and Derek.

One girl, Dr. Ford if Meredith remembered correctly, said, "She didn't even know he was married. I mean, his wife just shows up and he divorces her. I heard she told him she was pregnant."

Another intern, one Meredith couldn't even identify replied, "What does she expect? When he finds out she's lying she'll get what she deserves. I mean, dating an attending! Come on!"

"Dating McDreamy," Dr. Ford said, "Have you seen his hair? No guy is that perfect." Meredith hadn't even known that other people used that nickname for him.

A third intern added, "I think it's kinda sad. She has to work here. With her. With them both. Everyone knows."

Instead of saying anything to the gossiping interns, Meredith opened her locker. She sighed. She knew her life was the hot gossip of Seattle Grace but hearing it actually be discussed made her uncomfortable. Once she was in her scrubs, Meredith sat down on the bench for a moment. She took a few deep breaths. She could handle it. At the end of the day everything the other interns were saying was just gossip and she had a man who loved her to go home with. She could handle it.

* * *

Because Derek and Addison both had busy schedules, their lawyers agreed to meet with them in a conference room at the hospital. He was hoping the divorce would be easy. Addison had agreed that if he signed the papers she would leave and since that hadn't happened, he was worried that she would make the divorce process difficult as well. Both of them were in their scrubs, drinking coffee, and sitting across the conference table from the other. The lawyer was wearing a high end suit and it looked a little funny compared to Derek's own wrinkled scrubs.

The beginning of the conversation was easy. All financial accounts, other than Addison's trust fund, was divided evenly between the two of them. However, with three plots of land, dividing their property was more of a challenge.

Derek wanted it to be easy, done and over with. He said, "I'd like to keep my trailer and the land in Seattle. Addison can keep the rest."

"Hold on," Addison said. For the first time since they sat down, Derek made eye contact with Addison. She still looked upset and Derek didn't blame her. But looking at her, despite the hurt in her eyes, he knew he made the right decision. He felt bad about Addison's pain but imagining Meredith like that killed him. Looking at Derek, Addison finished, "That's not fair for you."

Leaning back in his chair, Derek shrugged, "That's what I want," He paused for a moment before adding, "Those houses were never really mine, anyway. They were always yours. I just spent time there. Plus, this divorce is my fault. I'm the one who didn't choose you. Take the houses, Addison. Make it easy."

"It could be easy if we weren't getting a divorce," Addison whispered.

"What was that?" Derek knew what she said, he just wasn't happy with it.

Addison slammed her hands on the table and said, "We made vows Derek. For better or for worse. Are you just going to let that go?" Tears stung at the corners of Addison's eyes. She couldn't believe they were actually getting a divorce. She didn't like it.

Instead of responding, Derek turned to the lawyer and said, "Okay so Addison gets the house in the Hamptons and the Brownstone. Are we done?" The lawyer nodded. Derek stood from his chair and aggressively pushed it back towards the table. He marched out of the room, ready to get away from Addison. He just wanted her to let it go. Addison was left alone with the lawyer to finalize everything. When she left the room crying, they were officially divorced.

* * *

Meredith was flanked on both side by Cristina and Izzie. They were walking out of the elevator whispering about their patient's chart. Their very unique one of a kind patient. Their patient that Cristina and Izzie stole from psych because they thought it was cool. Their patient who seemed, for all intents and purposes, to be a pregnant man. They were so engrossed in the chart that all three interns walked directly into Derek before noticing he was there.

"Hi," he said. Izzie pulled the chart out of Meredith's hand and snapped it shut.

"Hey," Meredith replied, smiling.

Izzie and Cristina both exchanged a look before groaning in disgust over the couple and their seemingly perfect relationship. Cristina told Meredith to meet them in the basement where the extra gurneys were. Meredith barely heard her friend because she was too focused on the twinkle in Derek's eyes. As Meredith's friends walked away, Derek pulled her into a tight hug and burrowed his face into her neck, a wide smile lighting up his face.

He was so happy he laughed, "It's official," Derek said, "The divorce is official."

"That's great," Meredith replied, kissing him quickly. She had never been a fan of public displays of affection and with the hospital gossip mill out for her blood, Meredith wasn't willing to give Derek anything more than a short peck. After a moment of standing in front of the elevators, wrapped in each other's arms, Meredith stepped away.

She told him, "I have to go. My patient," She paused wanting to keep the interesting case a surprise to tell Derek about later, "Is unique."

"Unique? How so?"

"Wouldn't you just like to know," Meredith giggled as she walked away. Derek sighed happily and ran a hand through his hair. Her giggle was the most infectious sound he had ever heard and he couldn't help but laugh along with her. As she walked away, Meredith looked back over her shoulder and winked at Derek, before hurrying off. Amused, Derek shook his head. He felt so lucky to have her, to have someone who made him so happy.

If two or three years ago someone had told him he would get a divorce, he would have thought they were crazy. If two or three years ago someone told him he would get a divorce and be thrilled for it to happen, Derek would have checked for a tumor. If two of three years ago someone told him he would get a divorce and be laughing minutes later, he would have performed an emergency craniotomy. Yet there Derek was, standing in front of the elevators, newly divorced and happier than ever.

* * *

A content sigh slipped from Meredith's lips as she leaned against Derek's chest. His arms were wrapped around her torso tracing random patterns and shapes into her skin. The water of the bathtub was warm and with Derek's warm breath caressing her neck, Meredith felt, for maybe the first time in her life, everything was perfect.

When they had gotten home that night Derek drew a bath while Meredith called for pizza. They settled into the tub with wine glasses and their pizza slices, happy to just be together. She told him about her not-actually-pregnant pregnant man. He told her about the girl who was finally able to break away from her parents and make her own decisions with her life. Meredith told him about her rant in her patient's room. When he was on display like a zoo animal and she scolded everyone who was watching. She told him how she told them to all laugh at her instead, the poor intern who clearly had to lie about being pregnant to win the married attending. He made a flirty comment about the possibility of pregnancy and Meredith playfully splashed water at him.

For the first time in her life, Meredith truly believed everything was perfect.


	11. Chapter 11: The Way We Are

**A/N: This chapter covers a lot of time passing in order to lead up to the next big plot point.**

 **Disclaimer: Any recognizable characters, dialogue, or plotlines or not my property. They belong the Shonda Rhimes and the Grey's Anatomy team at ABC. This is not for profit, just something fun for me to write.**

* * *

 _It's like a poem when you speak to me.  
_ _We talk about the mysteries of what we could be.  
_ _No matter where we end up ending up  
_ _I promise you're the reason I won't ever leave.  
_ _The Way We Are_ –General Ghost

* * *

"No," Meredith yelled as she stomped down the stairs. For the past week she and Derek had been in the midst of a seemingly never ending argument. Without asking her, he had purchased plane tickets to New York for the following day, which just happened to be the day before Thanksgiving. She found out about Derek's decision to have Thanksgiving on the East Coast when Izzie had been talking about having everyone over to the frat house for holiday dinner. Since finding out, Meredith and Derek were yelling at each other all the time.

"It's my family," Derek said, angrily, "I up and left them three months ago, without an explanation. I can't miss Thanksgiving with them now, too!" He had followed her down the stairs to continue their screaming match. As he spoke, Meredith pulled on her jacket, with November almost over, Seattle was becoming increasingly colder. Despite the temperature, Meredith was halfway out the door before she had her coat fully on, in order to escape Derek's argument.

She spun around to look at Derek. As Meredith screamed, she walked backwards towards her car, ready to put as much space between the two of them as possible, "So fine! You go to New York! But _I_ am staying here!" She climbed into her Jeep and slammed the door before Derek had a chance to reply. He called out her name as she sped out of the drive way.

Defeated, Derek slumped his shoulders and slowly walked back inside. Leaning against the railing was Izzie, holding a mug of coffee and smirking, "Trouble in paradise?" She asked. Derek rolled his eyes and huffed. His steps were loud and heavy as he marched back upstairs to get ready for work.

Holidays have the tendency to produce the strangest surgeries. With Thanksgiving the next day, absurd injuries were starting to roll into the OR. Each patient was accompanied by at least one overbearing family member berating them for getting hurt doing whatever stupid thing they had been doing. That morning after rounds, Meredith was assigned to the pit so it was her job to deal with the immediate arrival of every turkey or otherwise odd accidents that were coming.

There had yet to be a major trauma so Meredith had been left to treating minor burns and other cooking related wounds. She had just finished bandaging up a burn on a man's hand when Bailey ordered her to put on a trauma gown and be ready for the incoming ambulance. When the paramedics came out of the rig with the patient, Meredith knew it was going to be a long day. Hurrying into a trauma room, Meredith listened to the details the EMTs were providing. The patient was a thirty-six year old male, he had been hanging up Christmas decorations when he fell of his roof. He fell just as his wife was pulling into the driveway and the car was halfway over him before she realized what had happened.

"Page Neuro and Ortho," Bailey ordered as she got to work. Meredith groaned as the nurse sent out the pages. The last thing she wanted was to work with Derek. She could barely look at him because their argument was so bad. She just didn't understand why he was so adamant to fly her across the country. Meredith never did well with families. Especially meeting families. Not that she had much experience meeting families, Derek was her first meet-the-family relationship she had ever been in. But she assumed she wouldn't do well with families. She was an intern, she was young, only twenty-seven a full twelve years younger than Derek, she was a dark and twisty pessimist, nothing a mother could like. On top of her traits that Meredith believed would make any mother run to the mountains, the entire family would be comparing her to Addison. Perfect Addison with the long legs, the great career, and the stunning personality. Meredith felt like she fell short. She wasn't ready to meet the family.

On top of the fact that Derek was throwing her to the wolves Meredith just didn't celebrate Thanksgiving. Or any holiday really. Her entire childhood, she spent holidays waiting near the door hoping her mother would come home. She almost always woke up as her nanny tucked her into bed. The nannies she had always tried to make the holidays exciting. They would make nice meals and sing nice songs, but it wasn't how a holiday should be. By thirteen Meredith just gave up on celebrating holidays. By fourteen her mom no longer hired a nanny, saying Meredith was old enough to take care of herself. Meredith could never remember celebrating any holiday. She never had anybody to celebrate with or the desire to celebrate. Her plan for Thanksgiving had been to work in the hospital, holidays always paid well, and then to spend the night at home just relaxing with Derek. With a week long fight, Meredith doubted she would ever relax with Derek again. He was surely going to leave her.

Due to holiday nerves, Meredith was paying very little attention as Derek came into the room. After a quick neuro exam, he determined there was no time for a CT and took the patient in for emergency surgery. They scrubbed in standing side to side, neither of them looking at the other or speaking. She followed him into the OR and stood to his side as he began surgery. The adrenaline of seeing an open brain, of being able to save a life, started coursing through Meredith's body. Fight or no fight, Meredith was glad to be in surgery.

Throughout the surgery, Derek made pointed small talk with the scrub nurses. He was asking them about their Thanksgiving plans. He was telling them about how he wanted to visit his lovely family with four sisters and fourteen nieces and nephews and a sweet mother who misses her only son so desperately. The three hours of surgery drove Meredith insane. She left to scrub out before Derek finished closing the patient. She walked out of the OR hallway as quickly as she could. As Meredith moved, she angrily ripped off her scrub cap. Just as she entered the intern locker room, Derek caught up to her. She had been in such a hurry that she didn't even realize he was following her. He grabbed her arm and she spun around to face him. Staring him down, Meredith said nothing. Slowly his look of anger faded into one of confusion.

"You're not talking to me?" Derek asked.

Meredith didn't say anything to him. She pulled her arm away and moved toward her locker. Without looking at Derek she gathered her purse and pulled out her street clothing. She ignored his presence as she stripped out of her scrubs and back into her clothing. He stood in the doorway, utterly confused, as she gave him the cold shoulder.

He sighed, "Meredith?"

She looked up at him, the look in her eyes cold but hurting. It dawned on Derek that she might be scared. He had been so focused on what he wanted for Thanksgiving, the fact that he wanted to see his family, to introduce her to his family, that he hadn't even wondered why she didn't want to go.

"I've been a jerk," Derek said. As he spoke, Meredith sat down on the bench. Her hands were curled in her lap and she stared down at them, avoiding his clear blue eyes, "Sometimes boyfriends can be jerks. It doesn't mean you stop talking to them," He moved to sit next to her and continued, "Meredith, I've been a jerk. I haven't let you do any talking."

Surprised, Meredith looked up at him. Her hair fell across her shoulders as she moved and Derek couldn't resist to adjust a stray curl. She still doesn't speak but the way she looked at him told him to keep talking.

Derek sighed and dropped his hand so it clutched Meredith's. He carefully asked her, "Why don't you want to go?"

Meredith sighed and her gaze fell back to her hands. Before she had been wringing her hands together when she looked down but now she saw her hand held tightly by Derek, "I've never done this before," Meredith confessed, "The whole dating and meeting the family," She glanced to Derek and he nodded for her to continue, "I've never really celebrated Thanksgiving. I've never even had a person I wanted to spend a holiday with. I just," Meredith paused and started over, "I wanted to spend the holiday with you. Just you. And maybe my friends. I've never had people to celebrate with. But I also don't want to celebrate with the whole turkey and sit down and smile. I just want to spend the day with you guys. Working and then maybe take out or something for dinner as we drink. I'm not ready for full turkeys and large families and in-laws and out-laws and nieces and nephews. I'm barely ready for just you," Meredith whispered the last part, "I'm not ready."

He smiled as he wrapped his arm around her. They could have avoided an entire week of fighting if he had just asked her that question when he first brought up New York. He felt like an idiot. But as she relaxed into his embrace, Derek was okay being an idiot as long as she continued to forgive him for it. Placing a kiss to the top of Meredith's head he said, "Okay. So no in-laws and out-laws and turkeys. Just you and me and the best surgery I can find tomorrow."

Meredith smiled into his chest. Never in her life had she felt safer than when she was in Derek's arms. She sighed and felt the need to confess her other fear. "I thought you were going to leave me," Meredith said.

"What?" Derek asked. He was shocked. He unwrapped Meredith from their hug and put his hands on his shoulders. His grip was tight and reassuring to her as she looked into his eyes.

"I thought," Meredith sighed again, "I thought you were going to leave me because of the fight. Because I wasn't ready."

He smiled at her as he reassured her, "From now on, you can expect me to show up. Even if I yell, even if you yell, I'm gonna show up. I love you, Meredith," No matter how many times he told her that, Derek always worried she didn't fully believe him, "I'm not going to leave you. Okay?"

Meredith nodded slowly as she relaxed back into his arms. They sat on the bench for a few minutes. Derek comforted her by rubbing his hand up and down her spine. Meredith leaned against him and just breathed in his warm scent of scrub room soap, after shave, and something close to pine needles that was decidedly Derek.

* * *

 _one month later  
_

* * *

For what felt like the thousandth time, Meredith squirmed in her seat and readjusted. Her hands gripped the armrests so tightly her knuckles were white. She didn't understand how Derek was so relaxed. Only an hour into the flight he was already asleep, his head was on her shoulder and every warm breath tickled the back of her neck. To him, visiting his family was exciting, he was thrilled to be introducing Meredith to everyone. She was terrified though. For an entire month she couldn't stop thinking about how they would judge her. They would judge her for being so much younger. They would judge her for being dark and twisty. They would judge her for being so short and having matted hair with split ends. Her biggest fear, which Meredith was convinced would happen, was that the entire Shepherd clan would compare her to Addison and that they would like Derek's ex-wife better. She hadn't told Derek, but she was terrified that if his family didn't like her he would realize the mistake he was making by being with her. Meredith feared that before their time in New York was over, she would be single.

Derek slept through the majority of the five-hour flight but Meredith was tense the entire time. When the plane touched down, his excitement blinded him from Meredith's terror. He had missed his family over the past few months. In his entire life he had never been this far from his mother and part of him felt guilty. Derek felt like it was his responsibility to take care of his mother and sisters, he was the man of the family, and yet when things became tough with him and Addison he flew across the country and abandoned his family. He didn't feel guilty about leaving Addison. He knew that was the right choice. But he felt guilty for living on the opposite coast. It had been over six months since he had seen his family but Derek was more excited to be able to bring Meredith home than to see them. He was certain they would love her. He was excited to make her part of the family, to bring her into a loving household he knew that she never had. Derek was ready to share the best thing in his life, Meredith, with his mother and sisters.

From the airport, they rented a car. The drive to his mother's house was an hour and a half through highways and back roads. Through the drive Derek briefed Meredith on his family. He told Meredith that his three older sisters were going to be there, as well as their brood of children, but his younger sister was not celebrating with them. Christmas music rolled from the car radio and Meredith felt overwhelmed. Derek was radiating joy but Meredith felt like she was drowning. She didn't know how to celebrate Christmas; she didn't know how to interact with a family. Her mind was reeling.

Then her thoughts stopped. Derek placed a reassuring hand on her thigh and gave it a quick squeeze. He glanced away from the road for a moment to look at her and smile. "Hey," he said, "Don't panic. It'll be great. They'll love you," he paused for a second and his smile grew, "I love you."

Meredith nodded but didn't say anything. She pulled his hand into her own. For the rest of the drive they held hands. He was her anchor, keeping her calm.

The door slammed behind Meredith as she hurtled into the bedroom she and Derek had been staying in. They had only been in New York for two days. It was Christmas Eve and Derek's sisters were just arriving. Derek and Meredith had been the first guests to get to his mother's house, as they had the furthest to travel. Everybody else was driving either Christmas Eve or Christmas Day. Everything with Carolyn had been going well. Meredith liked her and Carolyn liked Meredith. They got along well and Meredith was beginning to feel comfortable. The first night after dinner, Carolyn pulled out Derek's baby album and showed pictures to Meredith. They laughed together as his face grew red. Despite his embarrassment, Derek was grinning. He could live through the embarrassment if it meant his mother and the love of his life were laughing together. Everything had been great until his sisters started arriving. It was because of Nancy that Meredith had just stormed into the room. Once in private, Meredith slid against the wall and buried her face in her hands.

She could hear yelling downstairs. Derek was screaming at Nancy. He was scolding her for saying that to Nancy. Meredith could hear one of his other sisters, the brother-in-laws, and Carolyn, distracting the kids. None of that mattered though. Nancy hated her and that meant Derek would want her to leave. When she heard heavy footsteps coming up the stairs, she assumed it was Derek coming to break up with her. Abruptly, Meredith stood up and started pulling her clothing out of the drawers. She tossed it onto the bed and threw her suitcase next beside the pile. She didn't stop when the door swung open and a flushed Derek leaned against the door frame.

"Mere-," He stopped in the middle of her name. Whatever he was going to say changed when he was her packing. "What are you doing?" He asked.

"Packing," she replied.

Derek walked into the room and within two large strides he was in front of her. He placed his hands on her arms and had her face him. She couldn't look in his eyes and instead stared at the ground. Confused, Derek asked, "Why?"

She shrugged and said, "I figured with what Nancy said-"

He cut her off, "Forget Nancy," Meredith looked up at him, in shock. She didn't expect him to say that. She expected him to say he made a mistake picking her. He continued, "Nancy can be a bitch. She'll get over it," Meredith tried to interrupt, to point out that Nancy called her a slutty intern, but Derek didn't let her, "She shouldn't have said those things. She's just upset. She was always close with Addison. But that doesn't matter. I don't care if Nancy would rather I was with Jennifer freaking Aniston; I'd still pick you. She can say whatever she wants because no matter what, I want you here."

Meredith smirked a little, "Jennifer Aniston?" She asked.

"She was the first celebrity I could think of," Derek laughed. The small smile Meredith had begun to slip as her mind went back to Nancy's cruel words. In response, Derek pulled her into a hug and pressed a kiss to the top of her head. He told her, "It's Christmas. People are supposed to be with the people they love during Christmas. That's you."

She looked up at him. There was a twinkle in her eye as she whispered, "I love you, too." Derek shook his head in amusement before capturing her lips. She clung to him as they kissed, happy to be in his embrace. He kept forgetting how insecure she was. Derek vowed silently as they kissed that he would do everything in his power to make her understand how much he loved her.

* * *

 _two weeks later_

* * *

Their schedules had been so chaotic since returning from vacation that Meredith and Derek felt like they rarely saw each other. His day off, Meredith was working a forty-eight-hour shift so he went up to the trailer to fish. During her few hours off, she would usually be asleep. Whenever the managed to spare a few minutes together they would both confess to missing each other. Derek assured her that within a week their schedules would relax. The few weeks following Christmas were always chaotic in the hospital. The worst part about them not seeing each other often was that Derek felt like he was spending more time with Addison than with Meredith. He was by exhausted with Addison trying to make small talk or her attempts to have serious conversations. All Derek wanted was to crawl into bed beside Meredith and sleep for the rest of the year.

Despite their recent distance, Derek knew something was wrong as soon as he saw Meredith. He saw her walk out of a patient room breathing heavily. Her steps were uneven and she seemed disoriented. Meredith walked straight into the nearest supply closet. She didn't know Derek saw her, she just needed to release her emotions from extubating the poor woman with the DNR. As soon as the door closed behind her, Meredith dove to the back of the closet and sat on the ground. It felt as if her lungs were collapsing and the world was closing in on her.

As soon as Derek walked into the supply closet her saw her leaning against the shelving. He immediately kneeled next to her. She was struggling to speak. Meredith scrunched up her face as she tried to talk but all that came out were gasps and tears. It hurt to confess that she was scared her mother would die alone, that she didn't want her mother to die alone. He started whispering to her. Meredith couldn't process what he was saying but his voice alone was soothing. Derek tried to slow her breathing, he was worried she was going to hyperventilate. Part of him wanted to know what brought on what she was feeling but he knew he could ask later, what mattered in that moment was comforting her. She couldn't breathe easily. Her breaths were hurting her and she couldn't control them. Derek stood and grabbed a paper bag for her to breathe into. She took his hand into hers as she attempted to control her breathing. Slowly Meredith lowered herself and placed her head in the crook of his next. Derek wrapped his arm around her and pulled her tight against him. He pressed his cheek against her forehead and rubbed her arm lightly. Derek was doing all he could to let her know that he was there, that it was going to be alright.

He held her like that for a few moments. She slowly lowered the bag but continued to lean against him. After a heartbeat, Meredith sat up and looked at him. He gave her a reassuring smile and kept his arm around her.

Sniffling, Meredith told him, "I'm okay."

Still giving her a comforting smile Derek replied, "You're okay."

Meredith nodded and wiped away another tear. Derek reached a hand up and pushed her bangs away from her face. They stared at each other for a moment before he leaned in and kissed her. Meredith sighed against his lips. It was a slow comforting kiss. It grounded her and let her know that she really was okay. When they broke apart, she leaned against him again and buried her head in the crook of his neck where it lay before. Returning to their previous positions, Derek began rubbing her arm again.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Derek asked her.

She shook her head, "Not right now," She sighed, "Later."

"Okay," Derek sent her a gentle smile, "Later."

He wrapped his arms around her and held her close to him. Meredith's eyes fluttered shut and they stayed in the supply closet for what felt like forever.


End file.
